a very angry walk in the rain ‘sans’ umbrella

Stressful day today with some government / immigration stuff. i had a serious fuck-it moment earlier, not one that would lead me to drink, but it could have led me to bed. instead, i went for a very angry walk in the rain sans umbrella (yeah, i was that mad). i prepared a speech i was going to dish out to my husband about stepping up and protecting me from the stupidness of our adopted country (because he speaks the language and i am not fluent).

then i remembered an email exchange with a team 100 member who told me about what it was like to be married to a controlling wife. le sigh. does my husband think i’m controlling? how would he respond if i came barging back into the house and said “you must deal with this, you fucker” (i had slightly better words planned, but not really).

i married someone. he’s adorable. and he is who he is. And despite what soap operas and romcom movies may tell me, i cannot change him to be a different kind of man. he’s his kind of man.

i did think in a fleeting way, “i’ll just drink and give all this up and we can move home…” No, not really. But i’d like a fucking numb button, please. What would i tell someone else to do … go for a walk in the pouring cold rain sans umbrella, come home, and get to work fixing the problem. Do not speak to husband until you’re sure you can say something nice.

i did that.

I need to figure out lemon layer cake with layers of cake and lemon curd that is stiff enough to slice into baby cakes for a catering  job next week, since I put it in the proposal, the guy said yes, and I’ve never made it before …

Drink? Are you fucking kidding me? Even if i want to, in some kind of abstract way, who has TIME for that nonsense.

Happy Day 200 to Beckie!

Happy Day 100 to Anna!

Happy Day 100 to InNeedOfGrace!

Happy Day 50 to Monica!

Happy Day 50 to Charlotte!

Happy Day 50 to Sasha!

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

14 thoughts to “a very angry walk in the rain ‘sans’ umbrella”

  1. Good work and I enjoyed this one …. if we just take the PAUSE, do the next right thing, perspective changes and we’re back to the soft fluffy full of possibilities place. Drink, no time for that, don’t know how I ever had time. Life is full today with all good stuff … tata for now, I’m off to the beach. Yep, it’s 75 here today on Jan 16th … gotta love it!

  2. Aww Belle, what a pain in the ass! I hope you get it sorted easily.
    It’s ok to ask him for help, totally reasonable, it’s how we ask that matters I suppose? But, give yourself some credit too…overall, since the whole sobriety thing, he’s got a much improved, more self aware, less grumpy, less hot headed version of the girl he married. So, he’s up on the deal already!
    Just be yourself..x

  3. What Carrie said. Let him help you push the truck out of the immigration bullshit. But in a nice way. Cake sounds yummy. Another job, how do you do it?

  4. By far the best piece of marriage advice I ever received: “don’t try to change the person you marry.”

    This was from the father of my (then) fiance and now wife of a very happy 22.5 years, on the morning of the day of our marriage, August 3, 1991.

    Food for thought, anyway.

  5. Easy to kick the dog when your down. When I started getting sober (still getting sober just past the starting part), I stopped blaming everyone (my husband) else for my unhappiness. And, now I am the one responsible for working through the hard stuff and I am also responsible for seeing the bright blue sky, sun shining stuff (noticed today how much bluer the sky was with clear, sober eyes!!!)…in my teaching today, I observe a teacher teaching her 4 year olds how to handle a difficult situation and anger…breathe in, breathe out, count to ten…repeat as needed. What a great life skill to learn….Congrats Belle on handling your shitty stuff and coming out in a better place. Life is hard sometimes and that is when we get tested. Now I know (thank you belle and the 100 day challenge) that booze does not solve a damn thing, just fucks with my head and leaves me angrier and hopeless. Not today though! Hang in there everybody…the sky really was brighter today. And, that makes me fucking happy!!!
    LD (day 175)

  6. Oooooh, lemon is one of my absolute favorite flavors of cake and curd and pudding type stuff so i could really be a good taste tester for you for this cake project you need help with, she says hopefully, knowing you have nOt asked for help from me !~! I love that you went walking with no brolly. I must own five or six but never carry one when I should so am umbrella-less nearly all the time. And the rain curls my hair too.

    Congrats to all you soberistas I am so proud of the hard work you all are doing. Stay the course.

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