Sleep + running. No matter what.

so today really did start off as a great day. slept all the way though the night for the first time in about 6 weeks (what with catering stress, bad cold, heart things). i woke up feeling like: Yes, this is what i need. I need 8+ hrs continuous sleep every night. Every single night. yes. this is it.  This is it for me. I’ve written about it one billion times.

I got up early, went out to buy apples, came home to make a nice baked breakfast. Decaf coffee.  I am feeling amazing. I sit at the breakfast table and tell my husband: oh i feel so great, this is so great. I know i say it all the time but what I need to be happy is to: sleep through the night / have enough sleep, and oh if i could run that would be so great, too. Yeah, my best life is sleep + running. Why can’t my life be more like vacation? Now that i’ve had 10 days off i’m finally getting my groove, how can i keep this going all year long… Sleep + running. No matter what.

And then i stupidly ask Mr. Belle what he knows about himself, that would make him happy, that he doesn’t give himself often enough.

Blank stare.

So i suggest, you know honey how when you go for a big walk, how you always feel so much better. maybe you’d feel great more often if you planned big walks like twice a week. wednesdays and sundays. to ensure that you feel good more often than not.

Blank stare.

Now. Fuck me that i couldn’t seen this coming. but i couldn’t. i was feeling so happy and jazzed and elated for the new year, new beginnings.

Mr. Belle says: well the hard part about being happy in a couple is that it depends so much on the other person. (i nod). And what I really need, in order to be happy, is for you to stop doing x, y, z. and if you could stop doing l, m and n that’d be even better

YEAH. Not quite what i had in mind. i’m on this great bubble high of life, and why did he burst it?

Through my tears i try to see it from his side. He must have been wanting to say all this stuff for a while, and for whatever reason now seemed like the right time to say it. (shitty timing, i would argue). was there any truth to what he was saying? yes, probably 25% accurate and true. The rest is him being shitty.

so what can i do about the 25%.

i get up from the breakfast table, go into the bedroom to my reading chair, and sit there and rehearse a really pithy response. “Your problem is that you think that happiness comes from something that I could do. What i was talking about was things that we could do for ourselves. If you put your ideas of happiness as only coming to you if I change, then you’re in for a long disappointing ride. And hey, if you’d fucking stop leaving your socks on the coffee table (not under, on), then i’d fucking stop mentioning it. So you see, if you changed your behaviour i’d stop mentioned that you hadn’t.”

yeah, as you can see, that rant in my head didn’t come out very well, so i didn’t actually articulate anything. about half an hour later, he came into the bedroom and said “want to come with me to x place to see y dumb thing?” I did. we went. we’re still not really talking. i think he’s a turd today. he rained on my fucking parade.

but of course, what i’m mentally criticizing him for (pinning his happiness on me) is what i’m doing as well: blaming my unhappiness on him. [i can assure that as a non-sober person, i would only have seen his turdness, and would not have seen my role in any of it.]

so.

if i am to be happy no matter what, then i need to adjust.

and to adjust, i will circle back to the beginning. And I will say (to those who won’t rain on my parade) that my goals for this year are:

  1. get enough sleep on a reliable, consistent basis [and stop writing this down repeatedly, but actually do it]
  2. get enough exercise (once i’m allowed to run again)
  3. reduce overwhelm in general (cross more things off my list, i’ve already shut down a business and have some more loose ends with that to finish)
  4. realize that my husband doesn’t communicate the same way that i do, in the way that i want, with the words that i’d choose. le fucker.
  5. realize that my husband is trying to say something, probably something that i don’t want to hear, and he hasn’t ruined my day.
  6. the goodness of my day is up to me. so far it has included a big walk, chocolate cake, tea, tea, tea, apples, and waking up feeling amazing. it will continue to be an amazing day with the open call in about an hour.
  7. i will remember that it’s not all about me. other people have lives separate from mine (!) and my job is to take care of me. shit. shit.

 

Happy day 50 to Mack!

Happy day 50 to Jen!

Happy day 50 to RF!

Happy day 50 to Fulu!

Happy day 50 to Suzie!

Happy day 50 to Christmas!

Happy day 50 to Christine!

Happy day 50 to Tina!

Happy day 50 to Pickleball!

Happy day 50 to Knx Girl!

Happy day 50 to Brid!

Happy day 100 to Lucy!

Happy day 100 to Anne T!

Happy day 100 to Tip Tree!

Happy day 180 to Zenmeg!

Happy day 200 to BK!

Happy day 300 to Sunny Sue!

Happy day 550 to me 🙂

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

12 thoughts to “Sleep + running. No matter what.”

  1. I think that everyone in a marriage/relationship has experienced an incidence of this. It’s exasperating when it happens certainly. I’ve made what I thought were innocent non judgmental comments only to have the spousal unit blow sky high. One learns with time and maturity to bite ones lip and let it pass. She is dealing with her own ca-ca, it’s not about me.

    1. true enough. I did rehearse some really great/shitty/meaningless/shitty things to say in return, but instead I’m saying nothing. tomorrow I’ll feel differently anyway. we’ve had a lot of close-proximity vacation time together … that contributes, too. Tomorrow he’s back to work …

  2. That really made me smile. I’m looking forward to my hubby going back to work on Friday. I’ve had to bite my tongue quite a bit these last couple of days. He’s a good man but sometimes he says things that make me think ‘what a tosser’. Glad I’m not the only one who has these thoughts. 🙂

  3. still remember a conversation with a friend in our early twenties. We decided in all seriousness that “men are either bastards, or fuckwits. Or both.”

    we may have been on to something 😉

    my husband is high on the nice list atm, however would cheerfully sell kids on ebay if I could find a buyer…they’ll be back at school soon….

  4. Well, my husband works out of the house, for the last 17 years his office has been two doors from the kitchen . There have been a lot of “le fucker” conversations. That said, getting sober has helped me be calmer and slower to react to those moments. I have learned from you, I have to take care of me first. Marriage is every bit as hard work as getting sober with lots of similarities. Toolboxes, self care, separate yourself from triggers, yada yada yada. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

  5. Oh so very interesting Belle. We continue to learn so much about ourselves as we get soberer don’t we? Love the “le fucker” by the way. It sure is tricky to stay in your own high vibration. I think it is natural to lower ourselves in a sense, to meet someone where they are at than to try to bring them up to our vibration. I struggle with this a lot in my daily interactions with my husband but in the end, I know I am responsible for my own good or bad feelings and some times we are just there alone and that’s cool. When you are in a high vibration and you meet someone in a lower one, you have two choices (actually a third one too). Choice one is to lower yourself to meet that person (a disservice to yourself) or leave. Or stay in your high vibration and ignore the other person but that doesn’t work for me. I used to ask my husband to take his negative shit out of my face but now I just leave and stay in my happy place when I get there. Work in progress for sure!

  6. So the sleep part of the conversation – that is what I struggle with. I take anti anxiety and /or sleeping pills every night. Need to quit that too. But how long should I wait post alcohol? Its like the sugar discussion…..another crutch for me. Today is 30 days for me but the need for alcohol before bedtime is still bad. Still hear the noise in my head. Any suggestions out there? katiebelle

    1. Nights were the hardest for me as well. I still hate them (childhood stuff ).
      I was so afraid of them without alcohol. Would I be able to sleep or just lie there thinking. Oh….all the thinking! I have found this has eased over time but I try to give myself something to look forward to before bed. Tea and cookies. A fizzy drink with salted nuts. Cake. It helps. I also read right before sleep. I find it helps turn off the crazy monkey-mind.

  7. Very recognizable!! My spous can be VERY grumpy in the morning, better not talk to him before he had his coffee.. And if it’s Decaf better not to approach at all and go get him some caffeine.
    Sometimes I am really happy and talkative in the morning, coming back from my yoga class and he is irritated because he just wants some peace. And he is known to make some not so nice remarks then that he kind of regrets later. Maybe he does mean it -a bit, say 25 % 😉 -at the time but he just overreacts because he’s in a bad mood himself. Maybe something like this gooing on with mr. Belle as well? Hope so, and keep up the good spirit yourself!
    ps socks ON coffee table would take a saint or a very sloppy person to not getting a bit irritated. I would feel like throwing them in the bin 😉

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