so today really did start off as a great day. slept all the way though the night for the first time in about 6 weeks (what with catering stress, bad cold, heart things). i woke up feeling like: Yes, this is what i need. I need 8+ hrs continuous sleep every night. Every single night. yes. this is it. This is it for me. I’ve written about it one billion times.
I got up early, went out to buy apples, came home to make a nice baked breakfast. Decaf coffee. I am feeling amazing. I sit at the breakfast table and tell my husband: oh i feel so great, this is so great. I know i say it all the time but what I need to be happy is to: sleep through the night / have enough sleep, and oh if i could run that would be so great, too. Yeah, my best life is sleep + running. Why can’t my life be more like vacation? Now that i’ve had 10 days off i’m finally getting my groove, how can i keep this going all year long… Sleep + running. No matter what.
And then i stupidly ask Mr. Belle what he knows about himself, that would make him happy, that he doesn’t give himself often enough.
So i suggest, you know honey how when you go for a big walk, how you always feel so much better. maybe you’d feel great more often if you planned big walks like twice a week. wednesdays and sundays. to ensure that you feel good more often than not.
Now. Fuck me that i couldn’t seen this coming. but i couldn’t. i was feeling so happy and jazzed and elated for the new year, new beginnings.
Mr. Belle says: well the hard part about being happy in a couple is that it depends so much on the other person. (i nod). And what I really need, in order to be happy, is for you to stop doing x, y, z. and if you could stop doing l, m and n that’d be even better
YEAH. Not quite what i had in mind. i’m on this great bubble high of life, and why did he burst it?
Through my tears i try to see it from his side. He must have been wanting to say all this stuff for a while, and for whatever reason now seemed like the right time to say it. (shitty timing, i would argue). was there any truth to what he was saying? yes, probably 25% accurate and true. The rest is him being shitty.
so what can i do about the 25%.
i get up from the breakfast table, go into the bedroom to my reading chair, and sit there and rehearse a really pithy response. “Your problem is that you think that happiness comes from something that I could do. What i was talking about was things that we could do for ourselves. If you put your ideas of happiness as only coming to you if I change, then you’re in for a long disappointing ride. And hey, if you’d fucking stop leaving your socks on the coffee table (not under, on), then i’d fucking stop mentioning it. So you see, if you changed your behaviour i’d stop mentioned that you hadn’t.”
yeah, as you can see, that rant in my head didn’t come out very well, so i didn’t actually articulate anything. about half an hour later, he came into the bedroom and said “want to come with me to x place to see y dumb thing?” I did. we went. we’re still not really talking. i think he’s a turd today. he rained on my fucking parade.
but of course, what i’m mentally criticizing him for (pinning his happiness on me) is what i’m doing as well: blaming my unhappiness on him. [i can assure that as a non-sober person, i would only have seen his turdness, and would not have seen my role in any of it.]
if i am to be happy no matter what, then i need to adjust.
and to adjust, i will circle back to the beginning. And I will say (to those who won’t rain on my parade) that my goals for this year are:
- get enough sleep on a reliable, consistent basis [and stop writing this down repeatedly, but actually do it]
- get enough exercise (once i’m allowed to run again)
- reduce overwhelm in general (cross more things off my list, i’ve already shut down a business and have some more loose ends with that to finish)
- realize that my husband doesn’t communicate the same way that i do, in the way that i want, with the words that i’d choose. le fucker.
- realize that my husband is trying to say something, probably something that i don’t want to hear, and he hasn’t ruined my day.
- the goodness of my day is up to me. so far it has included a big walk, chocolate cake, tea, tea, tea, apples, and waking up feeling amazing. it will continue to be an amazing day with the open call in about an hour.
- i will remember that it’s not all about me. other people have lives separate from mine (!) and my job is to take care of me. shit. shit.