“There I was covered in and consumed by SHIT”

Happy 100 days to Jules!

Happy 100 days to DianeLouise!

Happy 100 day to Jo!

~

Here’s what Jo sent me:

“Belle-Busting the 100 day ribbon today! I remember wanting to die, feeling so utterly alone, questioning the reason of being, praying  that I could stay here in this world, wanting so damn much to grab alcohol and sink into no man’s land — where many many live… alone… existing in solitary shells not finding the relief in each other.

Alcohol is a liar, while promising fun, laughter, relief, and friends it doesn’t deliver anything remotely close.

For me, the number one THOUGHT started with, “WHY?” Why life? Why me? Why was there this empty bottomless pit of darkness in me that I couldn’t escape? Why couldn’t I just be content and happy to be alive? Why didn’t God care?  Then always lurking ready to follow was the NEXT thought, “IF only.” If only I hadn’t done this or that.  If only I lived here or there. If only I had…If only I was brave, strong, had different schooling, IF…..

Pain, anguish, self-loathing, hate, depression, sadness, shame, guilt, all these were the pillars I found myself surrounded with and lived among. They were always talking AT me…I felt so utterly ALONE in a HELL!

There I was covered in and consumed by SHIT, and I reached up through that horrible mire. The hand of hope grabbed mine, your blog, not that I was totally convinced it was strong enough or that I could trust in it. It was all that was immediately offered in that moment! I grabbed it and I held on for life and it gripped my hand and begin to pull me out, out of that hole, that shit, that darkness, that lifeless agony!

Today, on day 100 I’m not out of the gloom entirely, my days are still challenging, but I’m on solid ground, and I’m trusting that it can only get better. I’m so  grateful for you Belle, you are that hand of strength and hope. A candle in the blackness of the cave of the Destroyer and Destruction.

I’m going to stay here, one day at a time, and be grateful.  On my gratitude list, number 1 is “The 100 Day Challenge.” I wouldn’t be at day 100 without it. If I could ask for one thing it would be to be your sober pen pal! Sending you a super long bear hug!”

doesn’t she write well? thanks jo 🙂 It had to think for a bit about whether to post this this without editing out the nice parts about me, only because it might look like a big belle-ego-fest. What i see is the relief she feels now in being sober. yes, it’s not all perfect, but it’s much much better. and more solid.

 

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

29 thoughts to ““There I was covered in and consumed by SHIT””

  1. Oh this is a wonderful post! Jo – I’m so very happy for you and thrilled that you have accomplished the 100 day challenge. Now on to a richer life where your dreams can come true! Hugs to you! Trish

  2. Congratulations you three! 100 days is a huge accomplishment, and you are inspirations of perseverance and commitment to transformation. Once we really get how much drinking, and hating it, is messing up our lives, it’s clearly about finding a path out. It’s hard but so awesome when it works! Day 43 and feeling inspired! – Hana

    1. Hana-Your inspiring, truly..Walking with life, this is what it’s all about. I remember just sitting, hard times, but now I’m above water, perhaps that’s sketchy at times, but sure beats the under water drowning feeling. haha I’m sending a smile and a hug. although I’m not physically there, I am in the invisible world of this community right beside you!

  3. Go team 100!!
    This is a fantastic story to read and will help so many who think it’s not possible!! We were all there, where you are now, in that hopeless pit. Well, it’s not hopeless and this is all true. It’s hard…but never hopeless.

    Happy 100 days to you guys!!
    Carrie xxx
    Ps. Big up for Belle too!!

    1. Thanks, thanks, thanks…..grateful, grateful, grateful for those ahead of me, beside me, and those behind me and those that will surely will embark upon this highway of living. i’m so very grateful.

    1. you can do this, you can! your surrounded by us and we’re surrounded by others, and so it goes…strength, hope, real caring and sharing.

  4. Congratulations to you, Jo, on Day 100. I’m day 80-something, and I truly believe it gets better, and it keeps getting better. Life might not be perfect, but hiding behind wolfie makes it more difficult than it has to be.

    1. Maureen, 107 days now, wow, who would have thought? certainly not me, but I believed, I hoped, I stayed accountable to the challenge, I KNEW and I KNOW i’m not alone..what a blessed relief that is! So many of us here, I feel the community!

    1. if your reading the blog you’ve already joined the community whether you have “joined” the challenge or not. your among friends, among so many of us that had to start somewhere! thanks for being here.

    1. know the view behind you, beside you, and in front of you is …..us…the community of hope, encouragement, and real caring. Your inspiring!

  5. Wow!!!! What a fabulous post – truly honest and so truthful, so graphic and I so get it…. Well done to all day 100 -ers and massive thanks to Belle. I’m about day 80 something so getting close. Here’s to our futures – so much brighter, clearer and real!! So proud of us all. 🙂

    1. You’ll do it Denise….It’s possible, it’s happening, remember the “ing” it’s movement, profess, process, and it’s real. love jo

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