So my slump day yesterday has been miraculously cured with a good (solo) night’s sleep and a bit of eggs on toast. Reading Prime Suspect 3. And the upstairs neighbour is away so no clanking feet.
I am well. I am not overwhelmed (she says again!). if i write, like i did yesterday, that i’m having a flat day, then i get 600 (ok, 6) emails and comments that i’m doing too much, that i’ve taken on too much, that i am overwhelmed, that this model isn’t sustainable … that it’s too much for me.
y’all might be projecting just a little bit! I am fine. i’m super very aware of overwhelm. i make arrangements for things before they get wacky. i am solidly sober. you can allow me a slack day now and then i hope 🙂
what’s happening with this blog, this challenge, my future? i appreciate all the ideas and feedback. But i’m not planning how this unfolds. I am NOT driving it. i take care of myself and make sure i get sleep, help, support, etc. But i am not planning where this goes or what happens.
This is a new part of my personality that has evolved only in later sobriety. This penpal thing is organically evolving on its own. I am not ‘driving’ it. I am not predicting or expecting or anticipating. I am not scheming or programming or developing. What happens when I have 1000 penpals? (well, only 200 will email any given day.) then what happens when I have 20,000 people? I don’t know. I don’t need to know that now. I will cross that bridge when i come to it, and I’ll be equipped to deal with it then.
I’d like to model this: Stay Here.
One shit day does NOT equal anything except a shit day.
It does not mean i need to drastically redraw anything. it means that i need to take better care of my immediate needs. For me, as always, it is sleep. i’ve written about it here so much that it’s boring. if my sleep is off, then i’m fucked. (fucked as in i’m so irritated that i’m unhappy with the colour of the walls.)
A shit day doesn’t mean anything else. at least, not to me, not now.
It DOES mean that i need to go for a run. I need to kick Mr. B to the spare bed a bit more often. I need to go for groceries so that i can make some vegetarian tacos.
And it means that i need to count my blessings, check my gratitude, and realize that other people worrying about me doesn’t mean there’s a problem with me 🙂 It means there’s worry swarming around but it’s not about me…
So let’s do a check. Do you need veggie tacos, a big sleep, less on your plate? do you need more support, less bickering, more hugs, more kindness?
i’m wearing my stay here bracelet today.
I am well.
Raquelle (25): “Reading sober blogs it strikes me we all face the same demons however far down the bottle we were. Time sober has the same amazing effect on us, whether we drank one drink or ten, two years or twenty.”
Rx (day 35): “Sober is: More relaxed, More patient, More sexy, More kind, More clearly focussed, More honourable, More present”
me: “Sober is all that, and more. it’s pride and genius and safety and truth.”
Rx: “Quiet. Funny. Stable. Resilient. Brave. Imperfect but still OK.”