i’m not planning how this unfolds

So my slump day yesterday has been miraculously cured with a good (solo) night’s sleep and a bit of eggs on toast. Reading Prime Suspect 3. And the upstairs neighbour is away so no clanking feet.

I am well. I am not overwhelmed (she says again!). if i write, like i did yesterday, that i’m having a flat day, then i get 600 (ok, 6) emails and comments that i’m doing too much, that i’ve taken on too much, that i am overwhelmed, that this model isn’t sustainable … that it’s too much for me.

y’all might be projecting just a little bit! I am fine. i’m super very aware of overwhelm. i make arrangements for things before they get wacky. i am solidly sober. you can allow me a slack day now and then i hope 🙂

what’s happening with this blog, this challenge, my future? i appreciate all the ideas and feedback. But i’m not planning how this unfolds. I am NOT driving it. i take care of myself and make sure i get sleep, help, support, etc.  But i am not planning where this goes or what happens.

This is a new part of my personality that has evolved only in later sobriety. This penpal thing is organically evolving on its own. I am not ‘driving’ it.  I am not predicting or expecting or anticipating. I am not scheming or programming or developing.  What happens when I have 1000 penpals? (well, only 200 will email any given day.) then what happens when I have 20,000 people? I don’t know.  I don’t need to know that now. I will cross that bridge when i come to it, and I’ll be equipped to deal with it then.

Stay Here.

I’d like to model this: Stay Here.

One shit day does NOT equal anything except a shit day.

It does not mean i need to drastically redraw anything. it means that i need to take better care of my immediate needs. For me, as always, it is sleep.  i’ve written about it here so much that it’s boring. if my sleep is off, then i’m fucked. (fucked as in i’m so irritated that i’m unhappy with the colour of the walls.)

A shit day doesn’t mean anything else. at least, not to me, not now.

It DOES mean that i need to go for a run. I need to kick Mr. B to the spare bed a bit more often. I need to go for groceries so that i can make some vegetarian tacos.

And it means that i need to count my blessings, check my gratitude, and realize that other people worrying about me doesn’t mean there’s a problem with me 🙂 It means there’s worry swarming around but it’s not about me…

So let’s do a check. Do you need veggie tacos, a big sleep, less on your plate? do you need more support, less bickering, more hugs, more kindness?

i’m wearing my stay here bracelet today.

I am well.

You?

Raquelle (25): “Reading sober blogs it strikes me we all face the same demons however far down the bottle we were. Time sober has the same amazing effect on us, whether we drank one drink or ten, two years or twenty.”

Rx (day 35): “Sober is: More relaxed, More patient, More sexy, More kind, More clearly focussed, More honourable, More present”

me: “Sober is all that, and more. it’s pride and genius and safety and truth.”

Rx: “Quiet. Funny. Stable. Resilient. Brave. Imperfect but still OK.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

18 thoughts to “i’m not planning how this unfolds”

  1. I’ve been seeing a counselor (probably a good idea, anyway, but also necessary to due a legal situation involving alcohol) and we had a quick discussion about the pervasiveness of alcohol in modern life. Very hard to avoid, very difficult sometimes to be a person who doesn’t drink. I notice my family (the ones I live with) are more sensitive to what they drink (or don’t) because I’m not drinking. Non-alcoholic beer appears in the refrigerator now. Neither spouse nor son drink as much – for which I’m the reason they drank before, they tell me. I wasn’t holding a gun to anyone’s head, nor did I verbally invite them to have a drink (or two, or more) with me. I suppose all this blah-blah-blah is winding around to a point – the point being that it is sometimes more difficult for me to figure out why I’m having a shit day, and what I need to do for myself. Pouring a glass of wine wasn’t the intelligent way of dealing with shit, it was a shortcut to not caring about it. Sleep isn’t always easy for me to come by. I think I’ll just have to remember that one shit day means just one shit day, unless I build it up in my mind to “my life sucks.”

  2. Congrats to all!!! You know, I take others’ concern personally, too, and getting sober has allowed me to see that it’s just Not My Problem. I am here, I am good, this is what I’m doing now; you?

    AND, you hit the nail on the head: for me, a lot of my triggers come from me *reacting* to “things,” and these things are what I want (in the future) or what I am planning to do (in the future) but maybe can’t (in the future). I work thru that HUGE desire to Just React (with wine) by, like you so wisely said, waiting. I don’t react now, I wait an hour, a day, a week. See how I feel later. (And, not rocket science, but caffeine crashes really mess with me, lack of sleep bugs me (too much of my life was spent living on 4 hours of hung over sleep), etc.) HUGS.

  3. hey, thanks for reminding me that i can
    kick the mr. to the spare room every once in a while, too. bet that would help my sleep!
    many pearls of wisdom in this post for me. thanks!
    moon
    ps- day 23 🙂

  4. Well, we are all mostly “fixers”… and yes…projecting.

    I liked the Y’all, Belle.! I am a midwest girl, Y’all!

    Belle, is allowed a shit day and it just means it is a shit day!

    You are doing great work here! I want a Stay Here bracelet!

    Folks, check out Amy’s book list she posted at Soberia… really helpful reads!

    Jenny G.

  5. Projecting for others, prescribing for others, fixing other lives… That was all back then; being here now matters most and all I can control is me. Much better able to know when to quit a situation that isn’t working, no matter how important or inconsequential that situation is. For me, being able to say “enough” is a big big deal.

    Congrats all who are succeeding, hugs to those still struggling. We’re a village and we are here for one another. Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate.

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