“got sucked into a bottle every night”

Happy Day 100 to Pam 🙂

From my inbox:

Kelly (day 10): “Getting sober this time around is completely different than my previous attempts. With AA I felt that if I didn’t do my steps absolutely properly and attend those meetings with an open mind, I would slip.  Despite my best efforts to be a good AAer, I slipped and fell and was never able to return.  I then tried going to a addiction support group run through the local hospital, but even being accountable with a urine test every week and some very good intended counsellors, it did not fit the bill of what I needed.

And then 9 days ago I found your website and it’s been a different journey all together.  I believe I was finally ready and because I was, it helped me find you and all my other kindred spirits.  What lit a spark in me was that I was to email you every day … checking in so to speak, but also, it was the extension of friendship and support to a total stranger that put me here at day 10.  I was stunned that within minutes of writing you to say I wanted to do the 100 day challenge, you wrote back!  If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought it was an auto reply! LOL  From that moment on, I knew someone out there gave a damn about me getting sober.

All I had to do was stay sober and write you every day to say I was…nothing more.  No smoothies, no exercise routine, no recommended reading, no telling the world that I was a drunk…the only thing you did was suggest I treat myself…WOW..what a fucking concept!  I have spent so much of my life (as have so many women) beating myself up and doing for everyone else, but me, no, I somehow never made the short list or the long list for that matter.  Today, I am the only one on the list and I treat daily with the simple pleasure of Tim Hortons cappuccino mix in my nightly coffee and an new African violet for my office.

You gave me permission to be kind to myself during a veryyyyyyyyyy difficult time in my life.  So as per your “dry drunk” audio, I couldn’t agree more.  As you said, my only job is to stay sober and whatever methods one uses to achieve that, then fine.  But the last thing we need is a list of “gotta dos” and feeling like we’ve failed in doing sober correctly!

The thing that has contributed to moving from day 1 to day 10, is that I finally feel that I am with others that I can finally relate to.  Not just the “oh I drank wine every day”, but moreover, the down and out humiliating shit that I did or did not do because of booze.  I have been reading the blogs (yours and others) and I am finding such solace knowing that I am not the only intelligent, self sufficient, loving, generous, etc. woman who got sucked into a bottle every night…not the only woman who regrets the years of memories lost, or who behaved in ways that still feels humiliating to remember.  You and these other women have given me the strength to slowly forgive myself, put the past behind me and greet each day with gratefulness and see it as an opportunity to live my life with grace and kindness. Hugs xo.” (she’s now on day 12)

Team 100 update: Welcome to MayaRose (8), Hazeleyes (3), KnxGrl (7), mkstafford (18), Carol Anne (44), Laurel (2), Davena (2), Maria (14), SR (4), and Christmas (6).

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

16 thoughts to ““got sucked into a bottle every night””

  1. “I am not the only intelligent, self sufficient, loving, generous, etc. woman who got sucked into a bottle every night…not the only woman who regrets …” I, too, found this reality to be a complete revelation and comfort. I think there are also some men out there facing similar challenges. So, to all of us on this astonishing journey, I raise my glass (of Pelligrino with lemon) and say “L’chaim!”…to life…clear not fuzzy.
    LD

  2. Kelly, happy day 12 to you! For me, too, it was the revelation that there were other women ‘like me’ out there that made all the difference. The old me would have said ‘why are you so picky and unempathetic that you can’t just go to any random meeting with any random people and get sober?’ The new me says ‘WHO CARES. You found what worked, you’re sober and the rest can come in its own time.’ 🙂

    Kristi (day 145)

  3. Great post! I learned so very much during my time at AA and who knows, I may need meetings again soon! But for me, like Kelly, this journey thru the blogging world is a much better fit. Because I’m a perfectionist, AA left me feeling like I always had to have an excuse for not performing “well enough”. I felt shame for my “defiance” against the system. That’s not AA’s fault, it’s how this girl is wired.

    I am so very grateful to have found this and other blogs. It is beyond helpful to have a voice during these first 90 days.

    My fellow AA’ers couldn’t hunt me down when I slipped, but I like to think Belle will notice if I’m gone 🙂

    Thanks Belle! xxx

  4. Kelly you took the words right out of my mouth! I am on day 10 today and every word you wrote dittoed my thoughts exactly. All those times I did shitty things while drinking or shitty things happened to me because of drinking I would think, “OK this is it. This HAS to be my reason to stop(my bottom so to speak) but when I found Belle it wasn’t because something shitty had happened. As a matter of fact I was just going along not even thinking about quitting drinking and then I read an article in a magazine and it mentioned Belle. I went online, read some of her blogs, signed up for the challenge and here I am on day 10 just sort of knowing that this time is really really really different…..for all the reasons you said Kelly. The relief of finally disclosing my secrets and feel OK about doing so is tremendous. Thank you Belle. Thank you everyone who shares.

    Caro

  5. Yes, Belle hit on the way that works for so many of us. This feeling that we matter and someone will notice if we don’t show up. I love it. Belle ought to win the Nobel Prize for Loving Kindness in a Much Needed Field of Endeavor.

  6. Loving being here with you all, I feel uplifted by all the beautiful comments and the amazingly written blogs that we can all so relate too…
    I am so proud to be part of this..
    This is my 2nd attempt at the 100 challenge, but even when I was drinking I was still blogging and guess who was still in contact with me, yes ofcourse “BELLE”!!!
    Thankyou…
    Emma b.

  7. Like words spoken out of my mouth and I’ll never forget this feeling, I was so very low when I stumbled upon Belle’s blog: “What lit a spark in me was that I was to email you every day … checking in so to speak, but also, it was the extension of friendship and support to a total stranger that put me here at day 10. I was stunned that within minutes of writing you to say I wanted to do the 100 day challenge, you wrote back!” I can so relate to everything you’ve written. Thank you Kelly. Sara, day 184

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