My list of things ‘up with which i will not put’ …

so i have this blog, see. and i post shit. and sometimes i post shit that seems to resonate more than other shit.

yesterday’s blog post about knowing what’s best for me is one of those resonating blog posts. Some people email me their comments rather than posting on the blog. here is some of what’s in my inbox today:

Cat Girl (day 26): “Yesterday’s post was a triumph.”

Me: It’s hard to say why. I’m getting a lot of feedback about the post, which strikes me as unusual 🙂 Doesn’t everyone have a list of things up with which they will not put?

Cat Girl: “I think it’s because the list shows that you know your triggers incredibly intimately. Which is, perhaps, the key to successful sobriety … I, for instance, am only just discovering things like: I really prefer reading to TV, I like mornings, swimming is my sanity saver … I’m not lazy after all…  I think it resonates with people that you really know yourself. Because we don’t. PS/ Yes. YES. As boozers we are just mean to ourselves. No, you shan’t have eight hours sleep, you shall have FOUR. No, you shall not eat, you shall be starving and irritable. I know that running makes you feel good, but *throws trainers out window.* It’s a really weird self-flagellation thing. Oh, there’s something sharp. I know, I’ll stick it in my eye! Fabulous idea.”

And then I got this great email from Lex.
Is this your idea of a bad day?

Lex (day 12): “When someone asks you what is the worst possible thing you could imagine, what do you think of. I’m sure people think of murder, or terrible things of the sort. Me, the worst think I could think of it this: … friends ‘dropped” off a case wine … wines that sparkled in the sunlight off my back porch, white ones red ones and ever so pink sparkly ones. Seriously Belle it was my fucking nightmare. Me sitting atop my pink cloud thinking life is good, I am in a good safe spot. and BOOM! Why meeeeeee?  Well I am sure you are wondering what I have done with them… I did not consume a one. I considered sticking one downstairs in the bar fridge and drink the whole fucking thing. but no I didn’t. No sir I did not drink one.. I am a MONSTER, A FUCKING ROCKSTAR (in my mind at this moment). I immediately called my sister to pick up the wine … I know I have my moments. You have seen me fail time in and out due to things just like this. … Now I’m the girl who is sober, getting rid of all that shit.”

and a busy day for me. one more catering day tomorrow then i’m off to London for the meetup and to do bakery research and to hang out in English with Anglophones! how exciting! hope i don’t get squished trying to cross the street, looking in the wrong direction.  always look down first to check the big yellow arrows 🙂

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

4 thoughts on “My list of things ‘up with which i will not put’ …

  1. Love the comments–why do we not let ourselves be? I, too, am all about the beating-up-of-self. Loved your post, too, and I wish I knew more of my “list of things” as well as…could more easily allow myself the things I NEED. All in due time, right? Thanks for your insight, Belle–and, have an awesome trip and meetup!? xxx

  2. There IS a lotta love in this here room, isn’t there?! It’s a GREAT place to go when you’re lonesome, sick, tempted, happy, full, crazed, etc. It reminds me of hanging with really good friends who get me and who I don’t have to explain myself to. When I read Belle’s and others’ (ex: Jenn’s the other day) posts, I just MARVEL at how similarly intertwined our lives feel like they are. Even from 1/2 way across the world I feel like this. You could be hanging out in my living room telling me these doubts/fears/intentions/ideas and we’d be interrupting each other w/ even more! I think Belle’s post resonated the most for me b/c I have not had time (b/c I was drinking of course) to really give those things I put up w/ much thought. I’d just complain to myself or AT myself all day long and then make myself a FABULOUS Margarita and all would be “well”. I resonated w/ MUCH of what Belle said and it was like she did some of mine FOR me. A good start for me. I’m MUCH more conscious now of all that. I’m being SOOOO much kinder to myself. THAT’S one of the best parts of this whole thing. Glad I found Belle. And ALL of you!

  3. There was something different about your “list post”–even your writing style seems a bit different–it’s like it just “poured out” and onto the screen. And definitely resonates.

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