i am in the wine store, buying wine for a client event. i have a cold. i feel like crap. i decide that with all the fancy wine i’m buying, some of it should be for me.
i come home and i blog about it. i ramble a bit, my thoughts agitated, and I wonder out loud if it’s OK to plan to relapse. I know that if i say ‘fuck it’ and have a drink, that’s a relapse (by my own definition). but if i PLAN to end my sober time — let’s say in a week’s time — would that still a relapse?
what happened, instead, is that in the action of reaching out, of blogging, my thoughts changed. I heard ideas from my fellow sober friends. I listened to people with more sober time than I had.
And because i was deciding to relapse ‘later’ (not that day), it gave me time to change my mind. Which i did. i changed my mind and i remained sober.
That’s the last time I really felt like drinking. It was in February this year (so i was about 7 months sober). I was bored with being sober. I kept waiting for something else magical to happen. Other people’s sobriety looked better, more successful, happier than mine.
but i knew not to chuck it all in because of one bad day. One bad feeling is not enough to end my sobriety. A feeling isn’t an action. A thought isn’t a command.
Here’s what i wrote in February:
… when i get to this very adamant place where I feel that I want to drink right now, I go ahead and decide to WAIT for a week and then reassess. If i still want to do a three-bottle-red-wine-taste-test in a week’s time, I can do it then. Not tomorrow. Not without true thought and consideration. I am not ‘falling off the wagon’ because of an impulse decision. Or when i have a cold. I’m just not flaking out now. Later maybe. not now.
Next week. i’ll revisit it again next week. There will be plenty of future opportunities when i can drink again, if i so decide, it doesn’t have to be valentine’s day, it doesn’t have to be tomorrow.
NOT when i have a cold. NOT when i just want to pitch it all in and say ‘fuck it’. NOT NOW.
Team 100 (180):
275 members, welcome to Cat Girl (21), ErinElisabeth (40), Sandra (3), Stopwineing (7), Gwyn (2). Happy day 101 to PJ and Emm Cee 🙂 Happy day 201 to Lynda, DDG. Lilly is on 155. KT is 160. Paula is 130. Lawyer Anne is 180 🙂