“blessures” – hurts and blessings

The french word ‘blessure’ means wound or injury. A hurt. A cut. The bits of you that are damaged.

i think that the things that have hurt us (our wounds and our broken bits) – and particularly those hurts that occur when we are younger – become the very aspects that form our core personalities.

here’s mine.

If i look back on my crappy childhood, the overriding feeling I had was that i wasn’t being listened to. I felt like i was saying things, expressing my needs (or wants), and that no one was listening. Not surprising given divorce, alcohol, many siblings.

I felt ‘unheard’.

This is the biggest ‘hurt’ or ‘blessure’ that i’ve carried all of my life. If having an argument with Mr. Belle, you’ll hear me say “you’re not listening” … where other people might say “that’s not fair” or “why do i have to do this alone” or “that hurts.”

What’s interesting, is how these core hurts/wounds/blessures go on to inform our lives. I’m a writer and a teacher underneath all of my other jobs. I have a degree in writing. And what is writing, other than expressing yourself very clearly, in your own words, so that others know exactly what you think.

But one of the reasons I am not a fiction writer anymore, is that it’s too lonely. It’s just me in my head with my people. Yes, it’s very entertaining. but it’s very solitary.

Now. Much to my business coach’s dismay, i also like a full house. i like large groups. Where she always encourages me to have 3 x $1000 clients, i always push for 3000 x $1 clients. That’s more work, she says.  And I reply: There’s more energy with more people.

She says: You can do both – have some bigger ticket things and some free things. I say: probably, but i don’t like it as much.

What if your ‘blessures’ — your hurts — are also your blessings. Cuz really, the word ‘blessing’ is nearly hiding in there, isn’t it?

Dear Belle: the thing that made you feel so crappy as a kid, on the top bunk staring at the ceiling, waiting for the imaginary ‘other’ family to come and take you away because clearly this family isn’t yours and isn’t right for you — that crappy feeling that you didn’t feel heard. you went on to write. and to teach (stand at the front of a room and speak and have people listen). and yes, you may do design work or catering. yes we can argue that you’re “communicating” with cinnamon buns. but really. it’s not like your core hurt was that you were underfed, so you grew up to feed people. if your blessing, now, is communication, then it’s because that time, long ago, you felt unheard.

so now, my feeling of recording audios and then putting them on a locked site that only a handful of people can access … well it just runs contrary. Yes, business coach(es), I hear you. Monetize. I get it. I do.

But what if the primary goal (for me – this is just me) is communication. being heard. What if my primary goal is to just do my fucking thing and let the money sort itself out. what if (oh god, where is my business coach, she’s going to kill me – [ASIDE: here i am now making decisions because i’m afraid of what my business coach will think of me – when will i ever just fucking stop all this and just do what i want?]) … what if i just do my thing.

embrace ‘blessures’ — make them into blessings.

i’m now going to try to convince my business coach that i’m right. if she agrees with me then i’ll know i’ve been heard. how fucked up is this thinking.

anyway, here’s my example:

Dear Business Coach: imagine you’re a guitar player.  you could do a private concert for one person for $3000 or you could perform for 3000 people who each paid a buck. i pick the latter. that’s just me. i am apparently wired like this. i can’t seem to fight it any more and why am i trying to fight it anyway? i mean really? i’m afraid of disappointing my business coach? [Yeah, well really, belle, what’s the point in hiring an ‘earn more money’ coach if you’re not going to use her to earn more money? – but she told me i could do this either free or paid – but but but but – but what will she think?]

fuckers.

embrace ‘blessures’ — make them into blessings.

so here it is. i’m going to listen to myself first. and then add on layers of business coach, KM, Carrie, Sharon, and Lawyer Anne.

This is me. Here it is. I’m going to keep doing audio podcasts cuz they’re a lot of fun. I love them a lot a lot a lot. And i’m going to post the audios on the blog for a day or so. Then I’m going to move them to a page where subscribers have longer access, can download, re-listen, etc.

After yesterday’s post, the author of the Two Eiffel Tower’s story sent me this: “Wow, wow, wow. I am hugely happy that you told my story (and better than I could!) … Thank you, Belle, you have made me feel like a somebody.”She’s not a podcast subscriber. she hadn’t heard me retelling her story.

She wants to feel heard, too.

I can do that.

embrace ‘blessures’ — make them into blessings.

Mine is a desire to be heard. and to ensure that others are heard, too. I’m going to do that FIRST. and everything else can come second.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

3 thoughts to ““blessures” – hurts and blessings”

  1. The giving of yourself and the enjoyment it brings you will find its way back to you monetarily, somehow, some way. Don’t over-analyze it. It’s the law of attraction.

  2. Belle, you are just so great. I love the way you wrestle with stuff, contrary to advice, until the decision feels right for you, under your skin. Then I sense your huge exhalation of relief because you’ve arrived at what you’re comfortable with. You are heard by a great many grateful people for whom your thoughts and musings are inspirational. I know because I’m one of them. And it has changed my life, you have changed my life and I am thankful more than I can express. You’ve given me a whole array of new and beautiful Eiffel Towers! I get it now! Thank you. Keep doing your thing in whichever way feels right for you and it’ll all work out.

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