slackers of the world unite

from me:

i’ve been occupied with catering for weeks it seems. months, if i count the planning for the wedding catering. the mental focus required. the physical fatigue. then more catering this week, a wholesale job, and an event for 40 guests yesterday.

now it’s all over. nothing big or small on the horizon. so thankfully i slept 10.5 hrs last night.

that’s the first thing to go for me, sleep. as soon as i’m mentally occupied with something, my sleep is affected. i “used” to have a drink to fall asleep. I used to take cold medicine. or gravol to sleep when i got into a weird place, like this past week. overtired, needing to sleep, not being able to. waking a lot through the night. waiting …

this time, no chemicals. i just waited. i ran and read and went through the days moderately distracted. and I waited. i knew i wouldn’t die from lack of sleep, i’d just be tired ūüôā i knew that i wasn’t truly exhausted or in dangerous territory, i was just … well, tired. Really spent.

and now that i’ve had a big sleep AND there’s nothing on the horizon, it’s so quiet in my head! i got up this morning and thought “I’m going to try that new recipe for spiral cinnamon buns …” and then i thought – wait. how about an entire day off. how about no food or cooking or experimenting. how about a day with nothing but bad computer games, sleep, pyjamas, and coffee (and Downton Abbey).

how about one long day where you literally get nothing done. nothing at all.

it’s a struggle but i’m doing it! slackers of the world unite!

from my inbox:

MC: “Sober tired is a better tired. Sober cooking is a better cooking. Sober fatherhood, sober ice cream walks, sober fellatio, sober frog catching, sober worrying, sober sunshine, sober quesadillas, sober reading, sober badminton, sober subway rides, sober toe stubbing ‚Äď better, better, fucking so much better. Though, at times, and sometimes often, it isn’t easy.”

Fiona: “Day 20, sober! I’ve found something that I’ve discovered I wrongfully blamed on drink – my inability to run like an Olympic athlete! I thought I would quit drinking and become a much better runner – I’m still a plodder! Lol still out again this a.m. and felt about 100 , but I love it…”

Zenmeg (88): “Happy to read Susan’s comment about how I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS¬†¬† I haven’t quite realized that I am responsible for my own happiness and have always been bewildered when people I know have that one down pat. ¬†And why I don’t. ¬†And why I used alcohol to make me *happy*. ¬†Maybe I just never learned how to carve that happiness time out for myself? Was I never taught how important it is? ¬†Did I not have a role model in my life to show me a living example? ¬†Or did I lose the ability to make myself happy when things started getting hectic. ¬†I don’t know. But I get the whole ‘not taking time to make myself happy’ concept. ¬†My husband is very good at making himself happy — makes time to exercise, sleep, eat well, eat three meals a day, etc… ¬†I leave exercise for “if there’s time” and “if everything else can get done, then I can do it”. ¬†Sleep is not a priority. ¬†Eating well — it is still all about meeting the sugar and chocolate cravings for now. ¬†I’m lucky if I remember to make myself something for breakfast or lunch. ¬†Too much coffee too. OK — so I’m off to bed to think about how I can get myself to remember that I am responsible for my own happiness, and that I shouldn’t resent my husband for taking care of himself so well. ¬†Love the idea and to figure out how I can keep this at the top of my list.”

Lime Tree (99): “Found out today I’d inspired my Director at work to do 100 days too. Yay me :)”

L: “Well here it is. My new day one.¬† I’m kind of excited this time. I just want to feel better already and I’m so tired of being hung over and ashamed. It would be really nice to just wake up and not have to worry about what I said or didn’t do. Trying to piece together the night before.¬† It would be nice to have a clear head and I just want the negative voice in my head to stop telling me what a shitty person I am.¬† It would be nice to have some kind of confidence and pride.¬† I’m so sick of it all. I don’t want to drink anymore.¬† I don’t sleep well. I have night sweats. I am missing blocks of time. I forget things because I’m in a¬†fog. I’m overweight because of all the wine and then the bad eating that goes with it.¬† It’s all just really sad you know? I mean what am I doing this to myself for? I’m in mid¬†40’s and I’ve been drinking daily for at least¬†7 years now.¬†This is just crazy.¬† I just want to feel better. I’m just sad about all of this. I have to just say it.¬† I’m so done with the wine and I don’t care how crappy these next few days will be or how hard I think it is. It’s just not worth it anymore.¬† I just need to “stay here”. It seems to take the pressure off when I do.” (She’s now on day 11!)

Brett (8):¬† “Thanks Belle. That is just what I needed to hear. It has to get better. I think deep down I know that, and it’s just so easy to say “fuck it, I don’t wanna do the work.”¬† But motivation doesn’t come from sitting around waiting for it.¬† Motivation builds with actually doing it.¬† So I am.¬† I will write to you as much as I can … “Stay here.”¬† I need to get one of those bracelets, because it really is my new mantra … This is a process of healing for me that’s going to take a long, long time, and I need desperately to stay in the present, head down, arms pumping and driving forward.”

Team 100/180 update:

269 members; welcome to HC (13), Egan (5), and BK (100). Happy days to Lauren (190), Roxanne (160), Colleen (15), Sara (135), Jessica (80), Laurie (70), Kathleen (60), Erinup (85), Beth (140), Stargal (90), BST (70), Ella (60), JacksterT (31), Toni (30), Bizi (50), Leslie (20), ErinS (31), Ivy (20), Rachelle (40), Steve (10), Helene (28).

 

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

7 thoughts to “slackers of the world unite”

  1. Belle, Zenmeg’s e-mail really hit home for me. I struggle so much with finding happiness. I think that’s why it’s so hard for me when I pass by others laughing and enjoying a glass of wine. I immediately think it’s the wine that’s making them happy. But it isn’t, and that realization is a wondrous yet terrifying revelation for me. If it’s not the wine, then, ultimately, these people are just genuinely happy? I have been turning to wine searching for happiness for so long, and it’s not there. So that means I have an awful lot of work to do, to undo the wine = happiness fallacy and to redefine happiness for what it truly is. The problem is, I don’t know what that is yet. But I have a teeny little positive voice in my head that tells me someday I will find out…

    Thanks Belle.

  2. I am a couple days late in reading this great post. ZenMeg is right, right, right! It is all about finding happiness with yourself without wine! I think it was around 6 months sober that I realized that it was up to ME to be happy. It is my responsibility to find happiness by being loving and good to myself. I always took care of everyone else and I came last. Everyone got fed first, I got served food last. When things got hectic, I viewed having a glass or bottle of wine as taking care of myself. Wrong! Loving myself involves little rewards like chocolate, coffee, a magazine, a bath, a long walk, time alone, and extra sleep.
    Belle, you are so lucky to get to watch the new Downton Abbey series! We have to wait in the states til January! Can’t wait to drink hot tea while watching that show! ūüôā

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