“want my actions to be louder than words this time”

from me:

I’m doing a lot of catering today. But i have help. and i have snacks. and i have rewards picked out in advance. I went for a run this morning in the rain to get my head on straight. Since I do not drink, and catering a wedding can (may) be stressful, I am doing my very best to prepare for all eventualities. Get enough sleep, run, eat well. I am fine. I have a new green silicon spatula as a treat. And some chocolate. I’m busy but fine 🙂 I’m having a cup of tea right now that my lovely husband made for me. All is well.

from my inbox:

Fiona (day 6): “Sober!! Wow, got through Friday night OK, woke up bright and breezy this morning. Been reflecting on my life and the part drink has played in it and how it ‘s been my constant companion since I was about 15 — that’ s 30 years! … I realise that a journey starts with a single step and I’ve started! Thanks for listening other than my husband ( who doesn’t know it’s forever yet — in time!) haven’t told anyone yet, Want my actions to be louder than words this time.”

S: “I know everything you say is spot on … but I am in such a dark place with my work, my marriage, my life … and I know the booze isn’t helping, and I know everything else you’ve said is true, but I just can’t stop crying and feeling sorry for myself, and … and I know it is the booze …. YES I KNOW IT IS THE BOOZE …. but I just don’t care … I’m just so tired, and defeated and boxed in and angry and feeling like such a loser, and a million other emotions…”

Beyond Booze (44): “I’d like to say it’s been a good day.  And for the most part, it has.  Life is good, nobody died, the weather finally cooled off, and the housework is done.  Fantastic, right? The Crappy Hours rolled around and, boy, are they really crappy today.  But I know why: I skipped my morning routine which, it appears, has become an integral part of my sobriety.  I didn’t do my yoga and meditation practices.  I didn’t exercise … I didn’t write in my journal … No wonder I’m having a hard time this evening.  Ah well, life goes on and so will my sobriety.  I will phone a friend, take a walk, and have pizza for dinner. Tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading!  And thank you so much for your blog.  I’ve been meandering around there during these Crappy Hours, and it’s helped a lot to read about dehydrating the wolf and other tales of sobriety.”

PP (6): “I listened to audio 5 from Sober Jumpstart, the support tape. This is a weakness of mine, asking for support. That’s what I had to do today at work. It takes effort. But what you said about being held accountable rang true for me. As I mentioned before, consistency is something I have to work on too. I have to keep in contact, be consistent about contact, reading, whatever, so that I have the support and remain in the loop. Not shut myself off.”

ZenMeg (72): “I’ve noticed in the past week that I’ve started getting excited about things — like the pile of papers on my desk.  I used to not give a CRAP about them — and would have preferred to burn them all then go through them.  I went through one pile yesterday evening and wished I had another hour to take care of the rest.  I’m also getting a thrill of looking nice and presentable.  I used to not give a shit about all of that and it showed.  Now I do care and look forward to making things look even better.  I’m essentially starting to care about things I used to care about but then neglected because of alcohol.  And am very relieved I’m feeling like I am *living* again.”

Team 100 update: 253 members, welcome to Cindy Becoming Human (11), Renee (3), and Carolyne (3).

Happy Saturday 🙂

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

5 thoughts on ““want my actions to be louder than words this time”

  1. I love to read what others are thinking and feeling about giving up booze. Makes me feel so ‘not alone’. I read “S”‘s and remembered feeling like that. Oh the shame and the darkness and ALL the fricken’ tears and feeling oh SO sorry for myself. Hugs to you S…hold on…it does get easier and better! So much better!

    1. if you can believe it, the wedding is next weekend : ) this weekend we’re prepping and portioning pie crusts, par-baking homemade buns, juicing lemons, and anything else that can be done in advance and frozen…

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