a better day

This morning I woke up, drank a glass of water, and put on my running clothes. Encased in spandex, I look like a tube of toothpaste that has been squeezed in the wrong places, parts of me blurting out here and there where they aren’t supposed to be.  I laced up my shoes. I said to my husband: “today is going to be good day, even if i have to force it.”

and he says — literally, i couldn’t make this shit up — “it’s already a good day.  You don’t have to force it.”

he is completely infuriating at times, but he has a unique way of living very much in the present with continuous, unending optimism that is medicine for a chick like me.

i go for my run. Mr. Belle makes coffee and then makes breakfast. it’s sunny. it’s a big catholic holiday (Assumption … who knew?) and so things are quiet in the city today.

And then I got an email from the catering client, in response to my apology for being late on Tuesday: “… no worries. Things happen especially in [our big city]. We had a great evening and everyone loved the food.”

sigh. my eyes squirt a tear or two. All that angst. For nothing.

Then I get an email from a Team 100 who is also a caterer: “I’ve done similar things and have had to remind myself that in the end who is going to remember or care if someone forgot the drinks or if a crust was burned.  Doesn’t matter really.  Keep the important things in focus — things like connections, love, positive energy.  These are what matter.”

AND THEN

i made some lemon bars, partially cleaned off my desk, sat in the park and read my book, and answered some emails.

AND THEN

I read this email and just had to smile:

Meryl (day 7):  I just rode the wave!!! I felt the “witching hour” hit me at around 5:30 pm today. I stopped and recognized that, yes, this is the witching hour. It is self limiting. I finished my work, came home at 6:00, and poured myself a drink. Soda water. My body was tense and I drank it quickly. I did not savor or enjoy it because I was too aggravated.  I thought about going to bed because I felt an aching that I know too well. I thought, this really sucks, am I really going to go 100 days? No. I will never make it. Might as well get some wine! Start over again tomorrow.  My back felt tense and I was squinting so hard my forehead hurt. I made some sleepy time tea, and drank it on the couch, trying to focus on how I would feel tomorrow if I gave in. I thought about how I would feel at 4:00 a.m. when I woke up feeling immense regret and dread.  Then, all at once, at 7:50 p.m., I felt a wave wash over me and my back relaxed, my brows unfurrowed, and it is over!! I acknowledged what was happening to me with my new found vocabulary (your words) and perspective (your voice in my head), and I rode the wave! It was fun! I am laughing at you now, Wolfie. Go fuck yourself!  I hope you are doing well Belle, wherever you are! I know you have been frustrated, but I hope it helps to hear of the miracles you are working for many, many others all around the world.

AND THEN

… and this is all Ben’s fault, I went online and ordered myself a fancy tea pot TREAT with a built-in infuser.  I also tried to buy a good knife, but apparently amazon thinks that sending knives across country borders isn’t such a great idea … the bastards.

Team 100 Update:  210 members, welcome to Sunny Soberista 🙂  Happy days to Lilly (104), MG (x), Amy (252), Carrie (158), and Jen (200).  Brandy and Irish Eileen are both on day 100 today!

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

8 thoughts to “a better day”

  1. I’m so glad you had a beautiful day!! Thank you for sharing Meryl’s email…I can totally relate! The “wave”–what a perfect description! It is still surprising me when it passes! Day 17! Who knew?
    -FacingMeNow (I should have kept typing, because I keep thinking…SoIDon’t HaveToLater)

  2. Ahhhh the wave! I have, through you, come to recognise it, and guess what? IT GOES AWAY!

    I feel like we should choreograph a “fuck you wolfie!” dance to ward him off- like a rain dance, but MORE AWESOME .

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