i can see how it happens

i can see how it happens.  the pinched head feeling, the frustration, the fuck-it.  I can see it as clear as day.

I was hired to cater a private dinner, and i offered to deliver — something i don’t usually do — but because it is close-ish and because there’s little city traffic in August. and because i wanted to be nice. she’s spending a lot of money.

and then i go off in the little electric car to deliver the dinner, and the GPS doesn’t work. can i rent a new car? “you’re renting one already.” can i return this one and rent another one? “we’re not contractually obligated to provide a car with a working GPS.”

thankfully a very nice hair dresser came out of her store to talk on the speaker to the incomprehensible foreign-language man. <sigh> dinner delivered 45 minutes late. I unpack everything and realize that i’ve forgotten to bring their cocktails. i offer to go them, she declines, i subtract an amount from the bill, we hug, i leave.

driving home, just 10 minutes ago, i realize that i now have a pitcher of cocktails in my fridge. and in the car on the way home, i figure I’m going to drink some. More than ‘some’. And then i just wouldn’t say anything.

Then i realized that anyone even thinking like this clearly has a drinking problem. Yes, even 13 months sober.

i came into the house, washed my hands, took a tylenol, and asked my husband to make me tea without asking me how i am.

i’m in here on the computer writing this.

I am fine. I am not a drinker and i will not drink. But i can see how it happens.  I can CLEARLY see how it happens.

fuck you wolfie, you’re a gigantic anus. asking me to lie to people. expecting me to keep secrets. 

only wolfie would do that.  that’s not me.  that’s not the real me.

and thank fucking god for that.

and thank fucking god i know the difference between wolfie’s voice and who i really am.

bastard.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

17 thoughts to “i can see how it happens”

  1. UGH! I hate that voice. Mine tells me what a shitty Mom I was when I was drinking. It hold a bottle of Vodka and waves it in front of me. What an asshole. I’m gonna kick em in the balls next time I see him…..probably sooner than later. Hang in there!

  2. Oh Belle…I get it! I can see how it happens too. I’m on vacation at the beach and booze is all around. But what I really hear wolfie saying to me is ‘we used to have such a great time on the beach together…everything looked so much more twinkly’. Damn habit. I actually said out loud ‘I miss my wine at the beach’. My teen daughter says ‘well can you have just ONE?’ My long pause was answer enough….NO! I would start and maybe not stop! Like you could have drank the whole pitcher of cocktails. I don’t wanna go back to those physical cravings….no fuckin’ way! It’s like I reached one year on saturday and I crossed the finish line…but I don’t want to have to go thru that shit again! Wolfie is a bastard!!!

  3. Belle, Your honesty inspires me! Thank you– I needed this, right now! There was a moment about two hours ago that I thought, fuck it, but then I was glad it was just a thought. Also, I’ve had the dream now where you drink and you wake up and think “Oh shit, did I really do that?” That relief that follows (when you realize it was just a dream) is really hard to describe, but I’m trying to keep it close because it is an amazing motivator. Here’s to kicking wolfie’s ass! Cheers (raising my sparkling water and lime to you!) -facingmenow

  4. Wow…it is so powerful isn’t it?… but you made a choice to beat it back…you, it turns out are more powerful…that makes you awesome…-LD

  5. Dear Belle, Oh that sounds rough! I’m so pleased you were able to recognize the voice for what it is, but still it’s awful to have that jump out at you. It’s terrifying that after so long that still happens. I guess there’s a lesson for all of us there, in being vigilant when we’re tired and stressed and so on. Really glad you sent the wolf to the curb, but then you are a star! Take good care of yourself. Big hug to you. T

  6. I don’t tend to get the fuck-its. Or, I mean, I get them, everyone does, but they’re not my most dangerous times. When I’ve slipped, it’s been after a long mental struggle. There was a memoir I read about a woman who had an obsession with / “addiction” to plastic surgery, and she wrote how most of the time she got a procedure it wasn’t even that she wanted it, but that she wanted relief from the “should I or shouldn’t I?” fight in her head. Similarly, in the excellent “Brain Over Binge” the author realizes that although she got many benefits from bingeing, she would still binge even if those needs were met elsewhere, because “I binged to deal with urges to binge.” Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent 72 hours straight thinking “I should drink no I shouldn’t it would make me feel better no it wouldn’t I could have just one no I couldn’t” and while I can often distract or deny until the craving passes, sometimes it doesn’t and eventually I feel like “I don’t care if I’m drunk or sober, I just want to stop thinking about alcohol!” Now if I can just remember that all drinking does is shift the obsession from “should I have one drink?” to “should I have one more?” maybe I can realize drinking is less of a “solution” than it ever seems …

    Tired quillain is tired this week!

    1. “Now if I can just remember that all drinking does is shift the obsession from “should I have one drink?” to “should I have one more?” maybe I can realize drinking is less of a “solution” than it ever seems … ”

      SO TRUE. I love that. Thanks Q.

  7. Hang in there. Thanks for being honest. It makes you human 🙂 Maybe have a bath or go for a midnight run? I like yoga. Just remember, this too shall pass. And thanks again for sharing. It makes us all stronger.

    1. I had a snack, some tea, 4 chocolate chip cookies and a bath. I wasn’t really ever in any danger of drinking, but I hate even having to go through the thought process. hasn’t happened in months. I’ve been super lucky : ) tomorrow will be a good day.

  8. hmmm you forgot their cocktails??- considering how much you are helping so many NOT drink no wonder (kidding kinda sorta) Maybe you just want everyone to see that they can have fun without?(again kidding)- and I am sure Wolfie would not approve if people just kept forgetting the drinks. Tomorrow will be a good day but like others here have said I am glad you shared this because I have been struggling more lately too and wondering why. It it is not easy. And then it is and then it is not… and then…

    1. I even had a small jar of non-alcoholic fuck you wolfie lemonade for the pregnant woman at the dinner. and I forgot that too. at least I get to drink that one!

  9. What Rebecca said… your sharing honestly makes you stronger and makes us all stronger and is a powerful reminder of how cunning Wolfie can be even when you seem SO solidly in sobriety.

    I am still in ‘contemplating post 100’ phase of ‘what next’ but I don’t want to drink because I DO NOT want to go back to square one and have to stare down those even more powerful cravings all over again. The Wolfie thoughts are tough enough.

    ‘Tis kind of ironic you forgot their booze. Freudian slip much? 😉

    xxoo

  10. My therapist would jump on the part about – I delivered because she was paying me a lot of money. In business, my low self-esteem tells me I’m not deserving of all that money & try to do something extra nice. As a single mom you would think billing client hours would be the most important thing to me, but not being able to validate my own self worth keeps me from letting my clients validate my work financially.

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