me too.

Phew.  There’s stuff. Like — man — there is STUFF going on! As I continue on my sober journey, I continue to figure out bits of who I am. Like really. And I feel like my realizations are coming faster and more furiously. (Perhaps someone with longer sobriety can chime in on this sentiment:  If the first year of being sober is spent figuring out HOW to be sober, then the next year I get to figure out WHO the fuck I really am.)

As recently as 8 days ago, i was worried about judgment, or weird family things, or what people would think.

And really, today is just moments later, and I can say now that those feelings are gone.

I went ahead and launched the new coaching thing and the first class sold out. I am now doing a second session beginning next week.

So I started the new class yesterday, and it is rolling along quite wonderfully.

FacingMeNow: “I just listened to audio #1 … wondering how I even remotely thought I would NOT cry. (1) I’m a crier.  (2) I’m on day #8 and that is pretty fucking emotional. (3) You are truly a gift.  At least I’m NOT crying the “poor me, I’m not drinking ever again” cry.  You made so many good points, but my standout was understanding why we’re doing 100 days sober, and *hearing* that I’m not broken, but my wolfie noise is loud and once it settles I will *believe* that too.”

Let me say this right here and now. That FMN wrote this email shows how brave she is. She’s tough, right? And she’s like a mirror without probably even realizing it.

Because we’re ALL tough and brave, all of us doing this. Everyone in the class this week, everyone in Team 100, everyone reading this blog, and even everyone who is lurking … we’re all brave and tough and waaay stronger than we think we are.

And that means ME TOO.

In two short days, the coaching thing feels ‘normal’, it just seems like it’s always been there.  No idea where the angst and sister-shit went. But it’s all gone, and I’m in instantaneously in a new normal.

i don’t know anything about the 12th step in AA, except that it’s about being of service. And let me tell you this blog, being sober penpal to 190 people (!), doing this new coaching thing — it all adds up to a very sober me. Solidly sober. I couldn’t be anything but sober.

And in yesterday’s audio, i was talking (to the group) about how cool it’ll be once they have a bit of sober time collected, and they get to see who they really are ‘underneath’ … and I realize that I’m talking to myself again. ME TOO. The longer I’m sober, the more I get to see who I am underneath. Turns out i’m braver than i thought.

“[after a period of sobriety], you become YOU. Your BEST you. And you maybe don’t even KNOW who that is. Because maybe you haven’t had an extended period of sobriety for 15-16 years, 20 years, 5 years, 30 years. What’s it going to be like?”

Team 100 update: Welcome to Patricia (58), Emm Cee (41), Shelley (3), Hana (5), Tami (4), Gina (4), Christine (2), Meryl (1). Happy 100 days to KT! I’m waiting for her to check in so I can get her to write something fascinating 🙂

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

6 thoughts on “me too.

  1. Congratulations on selling out on your first coaching session! I think what you’re doing is so generous and caring. You are changing lives. Way to go!
    ~Jami

  2. Ha – nice to hear your voice – I was expecting a British one. LOL

    Anyway, I can certainly say that in the second year, it wasn’t the fireworks of *getting sober*. It was a shift in perspective, in looking a little bit deeper, in seeking who I am rather than what I am not. It’s common for us to go through these phases of sobriety. I can’t speak for what it’s like after this, but this is certainly where I am at. Uncovering, discovering, applying or discarding. That’s pretty much the process for me, and developing a real, true sense of self.

    And for what you’re saying about 12th step work – that is what you’re doing in many ways. What you said about helping others = a strong sober you. Bang on! The getting out of one’s self to help others, that makes the things in our head less, and hence we get more serenity. And we also get to help someone along the way – win-win!

    Great stuff, Belle 🙂

    Paul

  3. It was so nice to hear your sweet voice! You’re really real. ha ha I love your laugh too. You are right…we are all tough and very brave! More so than we give ourselves credit for! 🙂

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