There’s major shit going on

Stuff:

Team 100 has a lot of people in it. And every individual person has a complete life. In some cases, people have quite big lives that they’re dealing with while being sober. There’s major shit going on.

This week i’ve had the amazing experience of hearing about 3 pregnancies, 4 divorces in progress, a vacation to Europe, and one fuck-it relapse.  There’s been a car accident (she’s fine but the car isn’t), a double-mastectomy (she’s feeling good), vomiting on public transit, and one family moving internationally. There’s a mom whose husband drinks a lot which alternatively fuels her to make positive changes for herself AND makes her feel like giving up, and there are two single women who are lonely.

There’s a guy who hasn’t been sober more than 5 days in a long time, there’s childhood abuse surfacing, and there’s someone (finally) happily planting her garden. Someone is a caterer, someone works in a rehab centre feeding breakfast to addicts, and someone else thought of drinking a half dozen times before lunch this morning but is committed to staying sober today.

Some people are happily sober, others think that being sober fucking sucks and they hate it but they are keeping going. Some days are good days, and other days you find out that your colleague died at home while drinking.  Some days you have to take your mother to the Emergency Department again. Some days your father ruins a birthday party. And some days the in-laws write shitty letters to the judge.

Yes. All this and sobriety too.

Kids out of school, routines shot all to hell. Vacations that don’t quite work out. Waiters who serve you booze when you specifically asked for a virgin drink. We’re surrounded by friends who drink too much, old friends you’d rather never see again AND new friends who are struggling with alcohol and want to know what your secret to sobriety is. You tell her your secret. And she hears you, she really does. She’s not ready yet. So you nod. You’ve been there too.

But you’re NOT there now. Today you’re well aware that you want something else, something different, something better.  The lies of alcohol are transparent to you. You can see right through that wolfie fucker. You feed him cupcakes and mints and tea and pistachios.  You buy yourself reward bracelets and reward massages. You read books and you run and you get up early without a hangover.

Yes, really and truly, wolfie does stop. It really does stop. The noise, the thinking, even the cravings. Be sober and slowly (but very surely) he just stops.  And then we can get on with the business of living our lives.

S sent me this message on Monday: “Thanks for doing what you’ve been doing to help people. If karma exists you’re going to get a Lexus in heaven. Or maybe a really, really big god-hug. I wonder how those feel.”

And I answered: “I think karma exists… because I’m sober and that’s a pretty great treat :)”

Read Blog Posts in Order: 

I’ve put together a collection of my blog posts, in chronological order, so you can see where i was on day 18 and see if it’s like where you are! You can order the compiled PDF file here (easier to read in a PDF than on the blog).

Photos: 10 minutes from home:

Reminder about this week’s photography project, due Saturday, open to anyone so long as you’re sober 🙂

Team 100:

Holy mother of Christmas, there are 162 people in the challenge, welcome to new members: Durfee (14), EmilyJane (53), Marg (508), MC (1), StarGal (15), Amy-NBT (4), Shannon (13), and Susan (14).  Happy days to Carrie (130), Simpson Sister (90), Erica (170), Katie (40), PP (45), Debbie (x), ZenMeg (14), Sara (61), Tiffany (30), Donna (120), Eden & Adrian (10), and MaryPat (7).

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

11 thoughts on “There’s major shit going on

  1. I’m new to this not-drinking-thing and sometimes it’s really hard, but it’s a relief to know there are other people doing the same thing, facing some of the same stuff and a whole lot of different stuff, and getting on with it. Thanks, Belle, for sharing the support!

  2. Wow, such a big huge world of lives. I’ve been a bit caught up in my own tiny world lately and this just reminded me how many lives there are out there. The world is a huge and complicated place.

    And also that you are amazing for being able to keep up with so many lives and stories.

    xx

  3. “childhood abuse surfacing”

    link to helpfulness, which has shed great and beautiful light and led me to taking steps towards balance rather than taking drinks towards numbness…

    … and sheds light on, oh, the urge to drink to ‘check OUT’ and all kinds of other things, the things that have fallen short when going to ‘aa’ … well. we all have different reasons we drink. but drinking is only a symptom.

    http://www.ascasupport.org/

  4. and i want to check out, a LOT……
    and i am committed
    so far
    to team 100
    so
    i
    am
    not
    checking
    OUT.

    oh, but i have wanted to, several times a day…
    but i havent shared that cos team 100 didn’t seem in that vein
    seemed more like… creative professionals who overindulged.
    but maybe it is a stupid judgemental call.

    who knows.

    doesn”t matter.

    really!

    doesn’t.

    and

    i have made advances in the
    ‘counseling world’
    to become part of a
    support group
    for abuse survivors
    and i became part of it
    by showing up. three no, four, weeks in a row.
    i showed up in the past

    but i have, for so long, wanted to just obliterate the pain in my history…
    that i justified ‘not going’ by my internal desire”’
    o i don’t want to be defined by some ‘perceived wound’
    i’m not wounded. i”m timeless.

    guess what. that doesn’t really work……..
    even with 10 day vipassana courses… i was told, by some kind of voice,
    that i was a child. and children needed their feelings HEARD… and HELPED.

    i feel a little like i’ve lost
    my thread….

    i think i need to hit ‘enter’
    to see where i’m ‘at’

    oh, it’s a kind of ‘surrender’

  5. abuse survivor having zillions of epiphanies… and …. still …

    sober.

    scary.

    ________________________________

  6. Belle, words seem inadequate to thank you for the service you are providing for so many people; however, that’s all I have so: Many many thanks for Team 100, all the encouragement, the consistent blog posts, the fair and clean way you write… all that and more are why I keep coming back.

  7. Thank you for the well-written reminder that we’re all on a giant journey. The world is an intense place and it’s easy to want to check out. Shit, even when things are goaod I want to check out. I’m feeling so blessed that I found you Belle. Thank you for your support and your excellent blog posts. And congrats to everyone who stayed sober today! We rock!

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