I haven’t missed anything except regret

When i was drinking, I could control my alcohol quantities to some extent, I just didn’t like doing it … and so I didn’t do it as much as I should have. Like DDG says in her post, after I had one drink, i always wanted more. I would stop before things got ‘bad’ but only just before. And every night i’d say to myself “stop earlier this time,” and i’d go right to the limit again. Night after night after night after night.

And now a year later, while some individual days are shitty, i realize that all the things I was afraid I’d “miss out” on were all bogus. I haven’t ‘missed’ anything except regret.  I’ve gone to parties, I’ve danced, I’ve slept, I’ve had friends for dinner. I’ve had vacations, I’ve flown on airplanes, and I’ve negotiated contracts.  I’ve done it all without booze. I’m still a work in progress, but for now my work does not involve alcohol.  I didn’t intend to quit forever. And honestly, without the Team 100 challenge I’m not sure I would have made it to here… but here is where I am.

I still remember Paul’s best quote ever:

Paul: As alcoholics, we were able to control our drinking, but not enjoy it, or enjoy our drinking and not control it.  But not both.  It’s just not in the cards for me at least.  The idea of picking up again is almost ridiculous for me now.  Like you said, why mess with something that is going so well??   And mess it up for what?  Misery?  Yes, I get those flashes of a drink, but they dissipate as quickly as they come.  And then I move on.

Note:

I’m putting together a collection of my blog posts, in chronological order, so you can see where i was on day 18 and see if it’s like where you are! If you want me to send it to you when it’s ready, put your name in the box here:  http://eepurl.com/BqAEn

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

4 thoughts to “I haven’t missed anything except regret”

  1. Wow Belle, you are speaking directly to me today. That was me when I was drinking – just 27 days ago. Right up to that point – we knew it when we reached it. One more wine would put us over, make us stumble, or worse. I got pretty good at judging it, but glad it is not a part of my evenings any more.

  2. I’ve been reading your Month 2 Blog collection, Belle, and LOVING it. I am inspired in some way or other by EVERY SINGLE post AND comment I’ve read. I’ve been wondering: Why have I not commented during my 16 sober days? Am I a lurker? Am I blog-shy, as someone else cleverly coined it? I think it’s an insecurity thing. I’m relatively new at this — both being sober AND blogging — and everyone seems so cool and insightful. In my world, I’m usually the wise, insightful one — in my work, with my kids and friends. So this is curious and scary at the same time. And I’m loving it. I’m like a Kindergartener.

    I don’t have any great AHA to share, just wanted to POST something and NOT be the cool insightful one. In other words, I don’t have to be perfect here. But I’m here. And I’m reading and digesting and feeling a good calm feeling washing over me late in my day 16!

  3. I’ll second that one lady! It’s been so incredible to spend this holiday weekend sober. No regrets, no hangovers, good times and now some sunrise yoga. Woop! (Welcome Sarita!) Hugs!

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