“I needed to be drunk”

Christina is 29. She tried AA. She had been to see doctors but she hadn’t always had a lot of sober success. You’ve heard me mention Christina before because she’s the inspiration for the Sober Girls’ Photography Project (link to the current assignment here).

Today I’m happy to share that she’s on day 90. I asked her if she could tell me a bit about what her previous recovery attempts have been and why this time she’s doing soooo well.

Christina:  I knew alcohol was bad since I was 7 years old, my mother was an alcoholic. I had my first drink at 17 but my drinking was not alarming. It started to get out of control at 22, I met a guy who drank loads and loads. I followed! I discovered that booze made me more extroverted, fun, sexy etc, but the blackouts started, something I never experienced before. When I went out, I needed to be drunk. It really got worse in university … I would sometimes find excuse to have a few glasses of wine here and there. The mornings after were just a nightmare I could not get out of bed, felt so low. At that point I was asking myself questions about my drinking, did those internet surveys and of course I was not surprised by the results. In April 2010 after a night out where I had no clue what happened between midnight and 4 a.m., I moved my ass to AA the day after.

From April 2010 until May 2011 I did not touch a drop, I went to meetings but I had difficulties with the steps. I questioned myself all the time, I did not identify with the others. I was young compared with the other members of the group. I did not lose my job, family, house. Was I really an alcoholic? No, I thought. Having a boyfriend at that time who also repeated that I was NOT an alcoholic was not very helpful.

I relapsed in May 2011. I thought I could control it because I could have a few glasses of wine, but it got out of control very fast. I went back to my uncontrolled drinking and blackouts. Since May 2011, I have been drinking on and off. Always thinking I can control it, questioning if I am an alcoholic (that is why I named my blog Alcohol or not).

The relapses were getting worse and worse. In March 2012 after a night out, I was feeling so low and shitty that I thought of ending it! I had really dark thoughts that brought me to hospital, and forced me to take a month off work; I was also followed by a psychiatrist. And did it help? A little, but they were still trying to “control”my drinking!

Anyway 90 days ago after a ANOTHER f***d up night I decided to start a blog! I thought that writing my story would help me and maybe I would find other people in similar situations. This was beyond my expectations! I never felt so understood as I do today! Reading the stories of everyone and sharing is the best therapy I ever got.

What has changed this time? The 100 day challenge, promising not touching a drop was great way to start the process of … acceptance!

Team 100 update: 132 members, welcome to Mrs F (5), Mrs Robinson (6), KC (14), SoberKitty (9), Marc, Eileen (day 1). Happy days to Whineless (80), Victoria (36), Grace (15), Sober Journalist (91), Lane, Diane & Gindy (90), Sober Kat (270), Marie (75), Kirst (20), Laura & Erin (55), Tammy (96), TheDryCork, Anna & Erika (61), Mary (42), Em (15), Martha (20), Carolyn (40), Suzanne (41), Dana (21), Designer Rachel (31), Ingrid (15), Carol (25), Jen-Faith (21), and Sarita (15).

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

8 thoughts to ““I needed to be drunk””

  1. Brilliant work Christina, well done on 90 days and feeling good with it, that’s the difference !
    Some decent numbers there on the shout outs too, every days a victory people…keep it up.
    Team 100 rocks!
    Happy weekend to all xx

  2. eileen here. new today. and found this through the article on ‘the fix’ .. .blogging my way sober… or something like that… and i know in my romping through the posts i saw the person’s blog who’d written it… but i didn’t take note so i can properly thank them…

    after countless times ‘stopping’ but not ‘staying stopped’… i am looking forward to this. accountability. honesty. and a medium i feel safe with. sometimes a ‘meeting’ can do more harm than good. not ALL meetings, but some.

    anyway, not here to bash meetings, nor anything else, just want to break a coping mechanism that became a bad habit with crappy consequences and i truthfully want to be nurturing good habits. and celebrating my strengths, as well as everyone else’s .

    namaste’

  3. So great, Christina! So, so great. YES, it’s NICE to be able to read stories, to share, to find likeminded peeps–it’s all about that community. And, it’s a PROCESS–of not bottoming out, but of coming up to your higher mind, that rational brain that says, I am better than this, I can’t afford to black out anymore, the day(s) after are too awful. Anyway… Congrats…xx

  4. Hi all, I’m new Team 100 member KC (day 14–I know, I can’t believe it either!). Just wanted to say how much DDG’s line about sobriety being not about bottoming out, but about ‘coming up to your higher mind’ spoke to me. There have been some tough moments over the past two weeks, but I’ve also been struck by how often I’m seized by a sense of possibility–as though I might not just get back to ‘normal,’ but actually end up in a better place than I was before I ever started to drink problematically. That’s an amazing feeling, and thank you for encapsulating it so well, DDG.

  5. Christina you are my team 100 buddy! I relate to so much of your story. As carrie said there are lot of people with some impressively high numbers now, and it’s very exciting to be part of such a good thing!

  6. Thanks for all your nice comments:-) and thank you all for making this 90 days much easier. I can not be thankful enough for all your stories it just helps me everyday ! Keep blogging!

  7. Congrats to all Team 100 members and encouragement to all who are trying to get their feet under them. We are here to help and support you in your Quitting and staying quit.

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