how am I? i’m really quite fine. all is well in my part of the world today.
a few new sober girls have arrived in the last week, never having seen this blog before. and yeah i know, i write a lot, but there are 215+ posts on here and it’s kind of hard to read it starting at the beginning cuz blogs are in reverse chrono order, and even if you search for just July 2012 (month #1), to see what what fucking terror i was dealing with on any particular day … well this is a long sentence without much point, but basically it’s hard to read a blog in chronological order especially when it’s long. yeah. you know what i’m trying to say, right?
so anyway, i spent a good chunk of yesterday compiling my blog posts from just month #1 of sobriety, putting them together in chronological order — with a few comments for good measure — and hopefully will be able to make some kind of PDF download thingy available. Month #1 is 80 pages long. No, really. Fuckers. No wonder you don’t want to read it online. ANYWAY. holy long winded without saying ANYTHING batman. if you’d like me to send you month #1 when it’s ready, you can do this thing here. Yes i will eventually some day when the planets align have the whole thing together as a book (!). yes, yes. eventually. for now there’s this. it’s what i can do for now.
i could find things to complain about (the weather! it’s cold!) but really i’m doing OK. I’ve got an email inbox full of sober (or trying to be sober) penpals. I’ve got a few photos for the sandal project already coming in, and i’m sending off some new Fuck You Wolfie bracelets (hopefully) later today! There are 119 people in Team 100 (welcome to Caroline and Maggy, both on day 4). Whineless is on day 70, Lane, Diane, Gindy & Christina are on day 80, Sober Journalist is 81, Kirst is 10. Carolyn is 30, Suzanne is 31. And Amy is on day 201 but she’s on vacation! Hooray for Amy 🙂
Sorry, this whole blog post today is filled with links, but here’s another one… You remember Lurker M, right?
Here’s the email she sent me just a few days ago… (she’s on day 16 now!)
Lurker M: Day 13. Sober, sober, sober. Belle, this is truly awesome. And, it’s not even about the drink; it’s more about the space that’s left when the drink has vacated. Ironically, that used to keep me drinking, filling up all those gaps, plugging away to avoid the vacuum. It stopped me feeling empty, at a loss, quiet. Terrified wondering what might emerge from the gaps – that I’d be left staring at ME in a cold, sober, deadly silence.
But, guess what? It’s liberating! I can feel myself re-emerging from that place. It was a self-induced solitary confinement which annihilated all my feelings and potential. So now … now I am making friends with myself again and re-acquainting myself with who-I-am. Some of this is uncomfortable, but those thoughts are far outweighed by a sense of relief and excitement at what-I-could-do!
All this new time, all this new energy, all this beautiful reflection that I’m now longer rushing to obliterate with alcohol. What an opportunity.
It’s my version of ‘The Great Escape’. Yup, that’s me, Lurker McQueen, excavating Tom, Dick and Harry tunnels, making new passports, eluding that Wolfie jail guard, roaring off on my sober motorbike. Can you hear the whistling theme music?! Da da. Da da da dah dah dum. Go go go!!!!!
And you my friend showed me the keys to escape. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
and here’s a great Quill-Quotable (she’s on day 28 today). I especially like the part about chicken sandwiches:
Quill: I feel, like a mild headache or a tickle in the throat — constant but not incapacitating — utter self-disgust. I don’t think there’s anything remotely worthwhile about me and most attempts at self-improvement are pointless because I am inherently broken and scummy. However, I am these days able to be 75% sure that is my depression talking and not actually the truth, which is a huge improvement (much like I think the people who say they like me actually do like me but are just poor judges of character, whereas 10 years ago I would have thought they were just straight-up lying).
I miss booze. Oh well. I miss good chicken sandwiches and a decent college football team, too, but I’m not going to move back to Tennessee, and I’m not going to have a drink today either.
Happy Tuesday to you. four more days until i have a long weekend. sorry did you say something? i’m too busy crossing off days on the calendar … are we there yet? is it summer yet?