i’m broken now in the ‘sober’ position.

As this month putters along, I am surprised to find myself nearly one year sober. I can assure you, this was completely not my intention. “Really, officer, I tripped and fell and got sober. Not my fault.”

i really am a weird poster child almost advertising sobriety: “You’ll Like It. You’ll Feel Better.”  The biggest and best truth, though, is how much better I really do feel. Like, A LOT. Yes, there are days (and even that’s an exaggeration, it’s more like hours or even parts-of-hours) when i feel gigantically shitty and my habitual “let’s throw wine at this problem” kind thinking comes up. I still don’t drink. It’s like i’m broken now in the ‘sober’ position. I can’t drink now. I just couldn’t do it. Even in my dreams, i’m always telling people “i don’t drink.”  I could not start again at day 1. I will not feel that kind of regret, i just will not. I can’t. Every day forward is a day moving away from ‘there’ and moving towards the ‘new me’ over here. And i like it here.

Malia says it well:

“I feel like I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, and the mad, crazy cravings to begin. However it’s still very quiet. I’m past the pink cloud stage definitely. The desire to drink (and drink and drink), is gone. I even went to a family party yesterday without my supportive husband, and it was, easy. Enjoyable even. My family is supportive in the way that they still ask if i want any wine, but accept the no, and don’t ask again … The only difference I notice these days is that its earlier than it used to be where I get to the point of OK kids, time to go!

“I think maybe I just needed to get some sober days in front of me to clear my head of all the “noise” drinking was causing? Of course, this also brings up the question as to whether or not I was as bad as I thought, was (am) I a real alcoholic? Could I possibly…..someday….? However I have no time for that nonsense. I still need to get through these 100 days, then perhaps another 100, then probably the rest of 2013 and heck lets throw in 2014 while I’m at it. Then I can reassess!” (She’s now on day 48).

Photography update, received 5 photos already for Sober Morning. Holy Lots of Fun Batman.

Team 100 Update: 101 members, welcome to Designer-Rachel, CB and Ingrid (all on day 3). Celebrations for: Amy (6 months today!), Lilly (35), Jen (131), SoberInMtl & Victoria (7), Lynda and Mr. Lynda (81), Lawyer Anne (60), Lauren (75), Brandy (31), Mr. Belle (51), Anathu (20), Roxanne (45), Debra (131), KT (40), Paula (10), Mary (14), Erika (33), Cam (30), Sara (20), Julz & Quill (10), Camla & Tiffany (7). And DDG is on day 81.

Just to note, when someone stops emailing or goes ‘missing’, I still hold your spot for you. Your name stays on the chart and when you’re ready, you can just email and give your new day 1 and we keep rolling. If you reached out asking to do the challenge, then I save your spot. That means that Emily is #16 and JMM is #62.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

7 thoughts on “i’m broken now in the ‘sober’ position.

  1. Team 100 is over 100! Holy Cow! That is so exciting.

    And, yes, I was thinking that your soberversary is coming up soon. Isn’t it July 1st? I want to know the official date and of course will look forward then too to a round-up of Belle’s first year of sobriety and throwing a little (big) unicorn glitter party over here.

    I love this. This is awesome. And inspiring.

    5 weeks today. Feeling pretty good. But still need more sober space myself too. I hear you Malia.

    xx

  2. 6 months is an awesome feeling! I am so glad you’ve been with me every email of the way. You’ve been a big part of this bad ass undertaking. THANK YOU.

    xoxoxoxo and beep beep BEEP!

  3. I love this image! I, too, feel this way…almost like, I’ve been crushed into a position of defeat and I’ve stopped struggling. (Well, maybe not that dramatic.) Even when I really want to drink these days, I just can’t muster the energy to care enough to switch gears; I just endure it and let it pass and move along on my unicorn, swishing through the sober days and nights.

    Team 100, and sober photo girls! Yay and yay. Love them both.

    And, a year! Wowee. Genius and brilliant, that is you, dear Belle. 🙂

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