“My feelings this afternoon are like a yowling cat …”

ack, the days of early sobriety, when your mind is a whirlwind of thoughts.  with permission, here’s part of an email from Quillian (when she was on day 2):

My brain simultaneously wants me to know that:

  • I don’t have a REAL problem with alcohol like the people I hear from in meetings or read about on blogs, so it’s only worthwhile when they struggle, not when I struggle
  • I have a huge problem with alcohol because I should be incredibly ashamed of the shit I’ve done while drunk, it was awful, like seriously I should just sit here and feel like dying of regret for the rest of the day and/or until I actually die. Of regret.
  • So I really, really need to stop drinking.
  • But I don’t have a REAL problem so it’s not like sobriety is anything to be proud of.

And then I say, Wow, thanks, brain, you’re a real help. Did it ever occur to you that I drink so I don’t have to listen to you?

And then my brain replies, Are you trying to start something? And a chorus of voices in the background is all, Ooooooh, girrrrrrrl, and Oh no she diiiiiiidn’t

And then I wonder if I have actually finally snapped and gone completely around the bend, mental-health wise. And everybody in my skull kind of gets quiet like kids who have noticed their mom is in a mood and don’t want to attract any wrathful attention. The voices went away! I must be fine. Totally sane.

Then I pretend to work for a little while and try not to notice how unproductive I am being, because heaven knows my brain will have opinions about THAT too …

But anyway.

Still sober today. WHETHER OR NOT THAT IS LAUDABLE. I guess I can figure that one out later? And for now just BE it, regardless of merit.

Gah. I swear. My feelings this afternoon are like a yowling cat hanging around a front door. DO YOU WANT TO BE INSIDE OR OUTSIDE? PICK ONE. I don’t knoooooooooow, whine whine whine.

Thanks for letting me ramble more. ~ Quillian

And just so you know, she’s on day 8 today 🙂 Go, Quill, Go!

Team 100 update: 3 members have rejoined the challenge after a period of ‘research’ — welcome back to TMcA (4), PP (2), Moonbeam (3), and SoberInMtl (5).

Just to note, when someone stops emailing or goes ‘missing’, I still hold your spot for you. Your name stays on the chart and when you’re ready, you can just email and give your new day 1 and we keep rolling. If you reached out asking to do the challenge, then I save your spot. That means that Lurker Mum can come back any time and resume her spot #32 (i’m teasing you specifically cuz i know you’re right here with us…).

Celebrations for: MG who is not telling me (yet!) what day she’s on but she’s doing well, Sunflower (75), Ellen (50), Lane (60), Sober Kat (240), Christina (60), Marie (45), Laura (25), Erin (45), Diane (60), Carolyn (10), Cam (28), Gindy (60).

And hugs to Lurker B and Helene for bravery.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

12 thoughts to ““My feelings this afternoon are like a yowling cat …””

  1. Hi belle just wanted to say thankyou. I too am a lurker am just trying to find the courage to join the 100 day challenge….to be honest I feel like ive let myself and other people down in the past im just so scared of having that happen again. But since early march I have been getting your posts and other sobriety blogs in my email everyday and even though you dont know I exist you all feel like long lost friends I have never met…..I hope that doesnt sound crazy. Reading the above post I can relate completely. Trying to do this alone is a very lonely road. It is midnite where I am I cant sleep so am tiptoeing round the house and dont want to wake my partner and little girl up by getting the laptop out so am typing on my fone. But just wanted to say thank you

    1. you’re welcome you’re welcome you’re welcome. I think doing it alone is virtually impossible… our thoughts about drinking are so weird, that we need to hear someone else’s voice – just for a while – till we learn to sort out our own brains. that’s what I loved about reading sober blogs when I first started. just knowing that there was someone else out there who thought the same things as me was a huge relief. whenever you’re ready to try, the challenge will be here. If you’d like to take spot 99 or spot 100, that might be kind of cool too! hugs from me, where it’s 2:30 pm and sunny and warm! Belle xo

    2. Hello Becky, your post broke my heart just a little bit, because trying to do it alone is so hard and I know what it’s like to lurk and think ‘me too!’ ‘Me too!’

      So we are here whenever you’re ready to join us – maybe even share your own blog? So many of us, myself most definitely included, know what it’s like to try and flail (note I said ‘flail’ not ‘fail’) and try again. You haven’t failed til you stop trying.

      We’re here waiting, those friends you haven’t yet met.

      Hugs,

      Lilly x

      1. Thanks belle and lilly. You will definitely be hearing from me soon..its now 130am thursday before I try and put this busy mind to sleep for a while I just wanted to say that your words truely mean so much..xo

  2. Roll call – Member #53 sober and accounted for (May was a big month for membership…yay more sober girlfriends!) -Debra

  3. Keep reading Becky, and know that there are a bunch of us out there just like you. I don’t know what I’d do without all my cyber friends.

  4. Hi Becky! (And Belle!) Writing to Belle is what helped me SO MUCH when I was very new to the whole sober thing- it helped immensely to have a sober friend who totally had my back. You aren’t crazy, and you definitely aren’t alone. 🙂 xoxoxoxo
    Amy

  5. Kudos to Quillian for articulating what I think many of us have gone through. Excellent writing and use of metaphor! Also kudos to Becky for speaking up. That, for me at least, was one of the hardest parts.

  6. Wanted to say yay for everyone, what a big bunch we are now! Loving your hard work and effort Belle for bringing and keeping all of us together. Becky, you are halfway there…the next step will be the best one you ever take. We would all love to welcome you. Hugs Cx

  7. Second to what Carrie said about gigantic loves and appreciation to Belle for bringing us all together. I keep thinking about how I can’t believe my relapse inadvertently prompted all this. But going further back, it’s Amy and Belle’s sober penpalship – which inspired me to write to Belle to begin with – which started this all and I adore you both so much for two people I’ve never met. Life changing stuff happening around here peeps. Rainbows and unicorns with glitter on top!

    I would also put in a request to hear from the people who’ve been out there “doing research” if they are up to it? For those of us stringing away the days it can be helpful to be reminded how it feels and what happens when we decide we can handle ‘just one or two’ after all. It might also help them get back on track to talk about it.

    Just a thought.

    Lilly x

Leave a Reply