I don’t want to do early recovery again

As I was writing on DDG‘s blog this morning, as recently as last night i thought about having some wine.

Belle: … out for dinner, tired, the couple next to us was having wine, and i thought, yeah i want some too. i had to literally turn my head away, talk to husband, and distract myself. then the urge faded. It might have lasted a minute. which is a long time when you really feel like drinking. now it’s the next morning, and after 11 hrs sleep i feel fine (again). and i know from what everyone ELSE says, that it gets easier and easier as even MORE time goes on. i don’t think they’re exaggerating. and i want to get to where they are. where it’s even better than this.

I don’t drink because of this comment that Number 9 / Catholic Alcoholic posted on my blog:

Number 9: I’m almost to six [months] … I had three years sober and then without a sober network or tools in place I slowly picked it back up. Moderated at first, but only to prove something to myself. After about three months I was back into the drinking game and it took three years to get sober back. Ugh. I can’t even entertain the idea. I have too good of an imagination and my brain who romance me right back out there. At 43 with 2 children I just can’t risk it again.

I don’t drink because of this comment from Katherine this morning:

Katherine: Today is Day 259 for me and when I look back at those early days of sobriety, I was feeling scared, angry, stupid, guilty, sad, shaky and all alone.  Wondering how I made my life such a mess?  This isn’t what I wanted or wished for when I grew up!  …  I don’t want to do early recovery again, I don’t want to ruin my relationships, I don’t want to be the mom that drinks, I don’t want to hide how much I drank, I don’t want to be controlled by alcohol EVER again!  For those who are doing the 100 day challenge…you CAN do it…it will get easier and better!!! The support here is one of the greatest reasons I don’t drink anymore!  Thanks Belle!

I don’t drink because of this gem from Paul:

Paul: Relapse is part of alcoholism, not a part of recovery.  For this alcoholic, I could have another drunk [binge] in me, but I don’t have another recovery in me.

That my friends, might be all that’s keeping me from drinking again: fear of regret, fear of not being able to restart. Fear as a motivator is probably a good thing. That and the relief I feel: relief that i slept 11 hrs last night (guess i was tired!). relief that i’m going for a run today. relief that i know that i’m going out for dinner again tonight and that i’ll be the only one not drinking and i’m fine with that.

Team 100 update: 50 members! 1 missing, 1 rejoined. Welcome to newest members: Rachel (3), Christina (19), Shel (25), Marie (4), and Roxanne (2).  Sober Kat is on day 199! Sober Journalist Kate is on day 20, Mr. Belle is on day 8, and Katie on day 10.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

14 thoughts to “I don’t want to do early recovery again”

  1. Those the things that keep me sober as well. I NEVER want to go through getting sober. And I’m scared of where this disease would take me were I ever to start back. Fear in this instance, is a good thing.

  2. I’ll tell you something – the worst, and I mean WORST days in my life were when I was in detox. Period. They kept the new “clients” in a room that had only 10 beds, one washroom and some water, some snacks and a handful of books. and that was it. They kept you in there, monitored at all time, with cameras and a huge glass wall where a technician / counselor kept a tabs on everyone. you got pills if and when you needed from them. They would let you out only if you stopped the shakes and seemed to improve. Then you could go into “general population” and then sleep in a proper room and have access to other people, a kitchen, more books, and a tv. The room they kept us in at first was called the Bubble (I may have to blog this at some point) and it was hell. The rest of detox was no thrill either, but I needed it. I was in the bubble for days…that’s how bad I was. I haven’t described it all, but i tell you something – early on in recovery, thinking about how terrible it was in there, that very thought kept me sober oh so many times.

    So whatever works early on, keep working it. Fear sometimes works. I think we all have a fear of relapse or fear of having to recover again. Like I mentioned in that quote (thanks for that!) is that I know in my heart of hearts, I don’t have it in me. I know the guilt and shame would kill me.

    But regardless, we’re here, we’re sober, we’re helping each other. How wonderful is that? Congrats on everyone in their 100 days points…wherever you are. 🙂

    Paul

    1. if i say ‘thanks’ for this, it’s not quite adequate. your description is grim. really grim. but we all need to hear it. the results and consequences are real, no sugar coating possible. i can say thanks for being here, though. that i truly mean. and i’m glad you’re sober. i’m sure i’m not *supposed* to say that, but I am. i’m glad you’re here. on this side of the glass.

      1. You can say whatever you feel like, Belle – your blog your rules! I wasn’t trying to be a Donny Downer with what I wrote, but I guess I just need reminding of that now and then. And yeah, I think I found my next blog in the process…ha ha. The grim show continues! Yikes! But the great thing is that we don’t dwell – no point in that if we are to live a life of contented sobriety, yeah?

        have a glorious day!

        Paul

      2. I think we have to look at the other side of the glass occasionally, so that we never ever go back there. your image is crystal clear. I’m glad you’re on this side …

  3. 591 Days for me! I keep waiting to hear the story from the alcoholic who can say, “Yeah, I was sober for years and then I decided I could handle it. And I could. No problem. Makes me wonder why I ever stopped in the first place.”

    I keep asking but all I ever hear is, “I ended up right back where I was.”

    I don’t want to end up there again, never, ever, ever.

  4. Hello. I am on day 4 after countless periods of sobriety vs drinking. ( im 50) for the last 20 yrs. Sobriety is infinitely better. So WHY do I go back? The peculiar mental twist in the alcoholic brain that is stronger than any will power. But I can’t give up. This great blog will be another weapon in my arsenal against king alcohol. Thank you!

    1. you may find that with more support, you’ll do better. whenever i tried to do it on my own i really sucked at sobriety … only once i figured out wolfie, and got some sober support, did the hard shit get easier 🙂

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