there’s no numbness in one glass of wine
My good god i have so much to share. so many fan-tabulous emails, comments, insights. Let’s start here.
In explaining why she wants to be sober now, KC (day 22 today) wrote to me that she’d been sober for a long time (5 years?) and then …
… This cool guy was asking me out for beers after work, and I did the club soda thing for a long time. Then I figured that clearly I had no problem anymore, and it snowballed pretty quickly to where I would’ve been if I’d never stopped. It’s always been about the anaesthesia, the wrapping up in cotton wool. Pitiful little urchin looking for a liquid hug, someone to say it’s all going to be fine. Yeah yeah, got it. So now it needs to be about facing life head-on, no more insulating away.
What I would do differently this time: remember I CANNOT DRINK. I’m not afraid of it, like some AA messages seem to want me to be. I will not cower down in fear before it. I just can’t do it, it does not work at all, same as how I can’t eat this food I’m allergic to. My only focus during drinking has ever been to get numb, so I will never be able to moderate. Drinking is for other people. I’ve already drunk enough for 4-5 lifetimes anyway – already put waaaay too many miles on that chevy.
[underlined bits are my emphasis]
KC said i could share this because it’s so damn lovely. i’d never heard the expression ‘liquid hug’ before, but it’s perfect, isn’t it. really really perfect.
also the idea that if you want to get numb, then moderation is never going to do the job. there’s no numbness in one glass of wine, there’s only irritation that we can’t have more.
i love this. I know that i need to learn this lesson over and over again. and so i’m glad to be writing this today. I see it now. I see it more clearly now. Thanks KC. Moderation is never going to do the job.
Team 100 update: Lilly (Day 31), Carrie (30), VP (28), Ellen /Whineless is traveling and she’s on day 12. Welcome to Erica and Kate, our two newest members. We are 29 members today. If you’d like to join the 100 day challenge, read more here … even if you already have a bunch of sober days, you can commit to doing 100 more.