Even on its best day, wine was a shitty companion. never living up to its end of the bargain. always better in my imagination than in reality.

i did post that i was having a wine craving yesterday, i’m happy to report that the feeling continues today! It’s not an overwhelming “oh my god i must drink right now” feeling, it’s more of a “i think a glass of wine would be a nice idea” kind of feeling.

But one thing i know.  i am not going to drink.  i may have this feeling, and even though i posted about it last night, it was more to say that yes i do still have those feelings.  and while i’m currently experiencing an “i should drink wine” feeling, i also know in a tiny place in my head that i will not drink.  not now.  not like this.  i would always wait a week first.  i’d always go to bed first.  I’d always blog and ask for help first. I’d always ask someone to call me and try to talk me out of it first.   i’d always cry, and run 10K, and pound sand first.  I’d make sure i’d tried every fucking thing first.

and yes, this has been enough to get me to nearly 9 months (shocking! egads that’s a long fucking time).

in response to my post yesterday, Lilly sent me this message:

I saw your post and that was something I really needed to read today. Yes, the ‘fuck its’ and the ‘smell of defeat’. I can see the danger zone approaching rapidly if I don’t take active steps to combat it – take THAT stupid Wolfie.

And Carrie wrote:

we would all be lost without you if you went back to boozing! ( no pressure!).  Hope tomorrow is a better day…

Carrie’s comment made me feel a bit bad, because i didn’t want to sound overly dramatic. I may periodically have pangs, but I also know on some level that I won’t give in to them.  I have other coping strategies… sleep, writing, running, and deciding to wait a week to ensure that I still feel like it – and I never do.  I haven’t had a slip yet in 9 months so I’m pretty thankful for that, and expect to continue just like this.

I still feel the desire to drink sometimes, but I also know at the same time that I won’t give in to it 🙂

Then carrie asked a very clever question:

What do you miss? I mean really miss, enough to start drinking again?

great question!  I don’t miss anything *enough*.  sometimes I’m irritated that I’m on the outside of everyone else’s fun, but honestly that rarely rarely happens.   it’s the first thing to come mind, though, to say – but actually I’m kind of ok being a tiny bit different (esp. when being different is better for me).  I miss the ‘off’ switch that comes with a big glass of wine.  I just wish that one glass of wine would suffice, but it doesn’t.  so I’ve found other off switches.  I miss the hazy feeling of vacation, sunshine and booze in the daytime.  but really that leads to daytime ‘naps’, being grumpy with my husband, crying (I seem to cry more when drinking), weight gain, and headaches.  and then I’d always drink more at dinnertime after my ‘nap’ … of course.

for now there’s nothing I miss enough.  and the things that I’ve gained are much much more than wine ever gave me.

Even on its best day, wine was a shitty companion.  never living up to its end of the bargain. always better in my imagination than in reality.

and on Monday April 1st I’ll be 9 months sober.  let there be CAKE 🙂

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

13 thoughts to “Even on its best day, wine was a shitty companion. never living up to its end of the bargain. always better in my imagination than in reality.”

  1. Yay CAKE! I believe some wise woman recently told me that cake fixes everything. 9 months. Holy cow. That’s as long as it takes to gestate a person and in a way you have: A brand new Belle. A wise(r) Belle. A Belle who looks after herself better. A Belle who thinks it over before giving in to impulses. A Belle without whom we’d all be worse off. No pressure!

    Happy 9 months my dear. Now tell us about that cake!

  2. It’s funny when those pangs hit, they seem to make no sense for me. I had one today while driving down the road, all of a sudden whammy, I was sad about never getting to drink again and I started thinking, “Maybe in ten years (it used to be five, so this is an improvement)…” Yet last night I spent four hours in a crowded bar and not once did I even think about having a drink.

    I think it must be like phantom limb pain, if the brain can sometimes forget that a person doesn’t have a leg anymore, I’m sure it can forget sometimes that I don’t drink anymore.

    1. OMG phantom limb pain! That must be exactly what it is like. I’ve been having pangs for a few days and my me part of my brain is confused. Um, where is this coming from? Phantom limb pain. I love it.

      Wine never held up it’s end of the bargain for me, either. Whatever that might have been. Actually, it totally held up its’ end. I got drunk. A lot. Way to go wine! It was me who wasn’t holding up my end. Like the big sign that said “enough!”. Good thing I found it.

      I think what I miss is that a bottle of wine made me feel special. Instantly rewarded. The first glass anyway. It was pretty much all down hill from there.

      I think I, once again, will have to vote you “Most Likely to be Sober at Ten Months”.

      1. I love this idea of phantom limb pain, too… but also your idea of the sign that says “enough”. you’re right, I never really thought of it like this: booze does what it’s supposed to do. it’s supposed to make you blotto. our job is to do something else, pick something else, want something else – better than blotto. and in the absence of ‘genius I rocking love my life sober’ then we pick ‘meh, this is ok, at least I’m not hung over’ … it’s all better than blotto. ‘meh’ is at least a genuine feeling… whereas blotto is deadness. sometimes even literally.

  3. So true! I think realising this; was the key to finally being secure in my sobriety and sticking to it. Thinking through the drink into the next day puts a whole new spin on cravings. Yes you feel them, but you know you don’t really want to drink. That is just the disease trying to lure me back in, and it will not win.

    1. thanks mary I agree 100%. and most days I know that I will not drink. sometimes I trick my wolfie into thinking “later” … but when later comes, I still don’t drink … I don’t to test what happens if I do… I kind like where I am now : )

  4. I have been getting pangs lately too. After a stressful day at work…I come home and make a cup of decaf coffee with cream and sip it’s warm comfort and think about how many bottles of wine it would have took to make that stressful day go away? Knowing that it would have made a rough day, even rougher! Glad to hear I’m not alone in my thinking about drinking and not acting on it. Congrats on 9 months! I’m a month behind you! We rock!

  5. I will not drink for 100 days. No matter what. I can cry, but I will not drink. I can go to bed or go home early. I might feel distressed … but I will not drink. Bad things might happen, but I will not drink. Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbor, or my friend’s friend’s grandmother. But there will be no booze. Funerals? Weddings? Amputation? I’m not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens … No matter what.

    Jen

    Last drink (binge) : Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

    Hugs

  6. “always better in my imagination than in reality”
    I love that. Cause it’s sooo true. that’s where all it’s best lines are delivered too….in my head. Well, it can stay right there. For 100 days or more. Whatever it takes. I don’t care how good it plays out in my mind, in reality I know it always ends the same way and THAT is BORING!
    ps. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, I know that you won’t drink. Just wanted you to know what a difference your not drinking makes to everyone….we love you Belle xoxo

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