I am not special. I am not terminally unique

Cleo posted a comment on my last post about how it was good to see that i wasn’t superhuman after all 🙂 I started to write an answer to her in the comments, but have now copied it into a separate post here so that it doesn’t get lost.

I hope that anyone following my blog for a while would see that I often have crises, where I decide I’m going to drink, give myself a week to consider it, and then change my mind.  that seems to be how I’m getting through this.  Postponing tricks my wolfie, and for that I’m thankful.  there’s nothing very superhuman about me at all, I can assure you.  I’m a grumpy wife 2 out of 4 weeks a month. i suck at paperwork and taxes.

but I have decided that if I do ‘fall off the wagon’ that it will be a considered thing, not a “fuck-it” thing, because i don’t want to regret the decision and have to start over again.  This is the thought process that has kept me going to this point.

Today I can say that I don’t see myself ever drinking again, but I know that in a few days, or when I next get a cold, I’ll drag out all of my woe-is-me nonsense and my “fuck-it” threshold will get quite high.  I’ll decide to drink in a week, like I did as recently as valentine’s day, and then the week will pass.

this second, today, I am in a very good place. I’m nearly 9 months sober.  And for today, right this second, I’m good.  I’m terrified of what Paul wrote about on my blog, that there aren’t any happily-ever-after moderation stories.

The other thing about sobriety/recovery, at least for me, is realizing that I am not special. I’m not the one person who’ll succeed at moderation where others have failed.  I am not terminally unique.  Really, I’m like everyone else.  If I wanted to quit drinking in the first place then it’s because my level of alcohol consumption was a problem.  Doesn’t matter how BIG of a problem, it was a problem.  So I’m doing what I need to, to continue to not drink. For me that’s included blogging, and being a sober penpal to a few people.

and i don’t want to start over again cuz it takes a while to feel as good as this.  and so i’m not fucking with it.  maybe i could moderate? Maybe this is true.  But where i am now is *greatness* with no regret and no guilt and no extra weight (i’ve lost 10 pounds so far) and more running and more inspiration and better sleep and a third fun passion job thingy…

i’m certainly not superhuman.  i’ve realized that i can’t learn all the lessons in the world first-hand. i’m willing to take the advice of others.  and baby, that is rocking-good-times easy 🙂 cuz there’s lots and lots of genius out there, and this blogging world brings me in contact with them day after day after day.

love,  me

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

13 thoughts on “I am not special. I am not terminally unique

  1. Tried to just drink beer and wine, figuring (incorrectly) that it was hard liquor that was the problem. Wrong again. When I finally gave it all up, I was set free and have been a different person for nearly thirty years. Cannot imagine drinking and messing up this record of doing Anything for so long. I have been married only 26 years. sobriety is my longest accomplishment in life and my best and smartest.

  2. Wonderful post! I am not terminally unique either! Lol! Just an average drunk! This is why I love to read all these blogs and going to meetings… Feels like home with a whole bunch of people just like me! I too put off my “Wolfie” – love the name. My feelings change so fast sometimes, just postponing the though for a bit helps, by tomorrow I know I will feel different. But it took me a while to learn that, I had almost like a knee jerk reaction when I though about drinking, I thought it and as fast as I did I was drinking. Ugh. People say you can’t get struck drunk, but it sure felt like it! I would walk into a store to get lunch and walk out with a bottle of wine! Then I had to learn how to think the whole moment thru… Drunk and in a bliss tonight, and hating me and the world tomorrow, hmmmm the chooses suddenly become clearer!

  3. Lovely – thank you. I do know all your real humanity too – having followed you from the start………… You are right – to avoid the “fuck it ” impulse which for me is very very strong – and has served me well and badly in the past! But on this subject you are right – delaying the impulse generally means it goes away. But I alos think Lilly is right. So put your suit on and ride high today on your rainbow glitter unicornpony!

  4. It’s such a mind game isn’t it. A lot of people subscribe to the ‘one day at a time’ technique, yours is more a ‘clumps of time’ thing, is that right? A week here, a 100 days there. For me it was a monumental grand gesture of ‘forever’ and a rebranding of myself as a sober person. Whatever gets you through though, right? Whatever quiets wolfie as you say. I dunno.. I just refuse to see that alcohol even has to be necessary, it doesn’t add, everything we need is right there without that mind-bending liquid. One thing that does unite all us sober people is we’re obsessed! Whatever our ‘timing technique’ with regards not drinking, we’re all obsessed with it. I’m hoping that will fade more with time and in 10 years time I’ll be oh so casual about the fact I don’t touch the stuff… we’ll see. Anyway Belle, sending love to you xxxx

  5. After a spell of sobriety, on one of those “flat” days, I decided to give moderating a go. I had been doing so well at not drinking, surely it would follow that I would be good at drinking a little and not very often. I consoled myself that had I known how much effort I would put into staying sober, then I really would have had a better go at moderating.

    After a while of drinking again (not uncontrollably but not quite normally) I realised my problem.
    It’s not that I can’t moderate my drinking. I don’t like drinking moderately.
    It’s just not for me. I thought it would make me feel better but it was hard work, without the wonderful sense of freedom that being sober gave me.

    So, I think some of us could drink normally but we just don’t like it. We tried that when we started out our drinking careers and it wasn’t for us. We are only satisfied when we can drink without limitations or not at all. It’s just a matter of taste.

    1. i love this. love it. i could lick the screen i love this so much! it’s sooo true (for me at least). i either want to drink a bottle. or i’m happy with none. and when I do drink a bottle, which is the only quantity i’ll accept, then i feel terrible that night, bad sleep, and the next day, dehydrated, disappointed. and moderating isn’t any FUN. yes, yes, yes. indeed. and THIS is why i’m unlikely to try moderation again in my future. Genius comments like this one. thanks Carrie : )

  6. We’re all just humans, aren’t we? I loved this. And the comments after (I love when the comments are just as rich as the post – happens so often in this blogesphere). I too am a garden-variety drunk…nothing special about me. And I think that this connection of “not special-ness” is a strong one amongst our kind. That is what keeps me going to my meetings as well, and being here on these blogs and on recovery sites. It’s knowing that we aren’t terminally unique, that we have a common problem and that there are ways to solve it.

    As alcoholics, we were able to control our drinking, but not enjoy it, or enjoy our drinking and not control it. But not both. It’s just not in the cards for me at least. The idea of picking up again is almost ridiculous for me now. Like you said, why mess with something that is going so well?? And mess it up for what? Misery? Yes, I get those flashes of a drink, but they dissipate as quickly as they come. And then I move on.

    You may not be “special” when it comes to the alcohol thing, but you certainly are a star in so many ways. Celebrate them, enjoy them, share them. Embrace who you are and who you are yet to become. All of us should 🙂

    Blessings,

    Paul

    1. I have just started reading your blog and love it!! I have also decided to take this path of no alcohol. I look forward to reading and sharing with you. Your technique of waiting a week is great- I am only one day in but hope to string lots of days together reading and learning through these blogs. I spent hours reading and blogged all day yesterday which got me through the rough 6pm to 9pm without wine! Have a great day 🙂 Jackie

      1. Welcome Jackie, glad you’re here… day 1 might be the toughest day, and you’ve completed it already! time to get your sober car rolling downhill. There’s lots of support for you here in the blogging universe. Just reach out whenever you need a hand : )

  7. This was just what I needed to read today – I am heading towards my 100 days sober, and people are asking me if I am going to keep it up, some have echoed wolfie thoughts such as ‘but you don’t have a problem do you, you have proved it’.

    But I know, I don’t like moderation and I do like being sober.

    Everyone says it gets easier, if I had trusted them I would have done this earlier. So in the past 80 or 90 days I have learnt to trust the lovely sober bloggers out there. And Belle most of all. And that is why I know that the moderation question is just wolfie, I am not special, I am not unique and hurray for that!!

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