Recovery is another word for freedom
As i was shopping today at the specialty wine store for a valentine’s catering event, i decided right there in the store that i was going to drink wine tomorrow night. buying all this nice wine for a wine tasting, can you blind-taste-test which one is Italian versus Chilean versus French versus American? Clients love this kind of shit. Really love it. It’s like an ice breaker that gets everyone talking, they vote on which one is the italian wine, then we do a great unveiling, and the one italian guest in the crowd will gloat, etc.
And i thought, “yeah, i’m having some too.” because, you know, fuck it. i have a cold (this happened the last time i had a cold, too). and cuz it’ll be valentine’s day. and because really this has gone on long enough.
I came home and said to husband: “it feels like i’m going to drink tomorrow night.”
He says what he always says … nothing. I think he’s used to me doing this, periodically, i just lose direction and starting to drift.
I head out to the third store for more specialty food stuff, and i buy myself some cranberry juice and ginger ale to mix. for tomorrow.
Because like before, when i get to this very adamant place where I feel that I want to drink right now, I go ahead and decide to WAIT for a week and then reassess. If i still want to do a three-bottle-red-wine-taste-test in a week’s time, I can do it then. Not tomorrow. Not without true thought and consideration. I am not ‘falling off the wagon’ because of an impulse decision. Or when i have a cold. I’m just not flaking out now. Later maybe. not now.
Next week. i’ll revisit it again next week. There will be plenty of future opportunities when i can drink again, if i so decide, it doesn’t have to be valentine’s day, it doesn’t have to be tomorrow.
NOT when i have a cold. NOT when i just want to pitch it all in and say ‘fuck it’. NOT NOW.
i will read some more of the new recovery book tonight. and i’m going to play cards with my husband. he always wins. and i will go to bed and wake up tomorrow feeling better. this is the truth. it always works out this way.