doing a lot less

Today i woke with a headache, which is never a good sign.  had a cup of coffee, an advil, lounged in bed for another hour.  Had breakfast with a husband who has a toothache (is there anything worse? i’m sure an amputation would be less dramatic).

Then i looked at my desk in disarray, matching my head in disarray.

Then i read part of someone else’s non-drinking-related blog. she’s announcing to her followers that she’s closing down her business to start something else. Yes, of course, what didn’t I think of that.

Then i went into the kitchen, to my ashen-faced-husband, and and i said “i’ve decided to shut down job #2”.  He says “and you’ll do something else?” and i say, yes, of course, we need the income. i’m just not doing THAT any more.

I am 6 months sober, and I am waking up to the fact i have a bunch of bits and pieces in my life that i’m ‘obligated’ to do, that i just don’t feel like doing any more.

I could tolerate a certain amount of chaos when i was drinking that i don’t seem to be able to tolerate any more.

instead, now that i’m sober, i wake up every day trying to talk myself into doing these things on my to-do list, these business/work tasks, and i just can’t make myself do them.  i’m burnt out on the whole fucking mess of my life right now, all of the weird bits, the fractured income streams, the low grade illness, the snow, the sick husband. I’m sick and tired of all of it.  If i could put my life in a box right now and close the lid, i’d happily create something else completely new.  [and some days when i have a sick husband, i imagine a new life where i’m single]

Last night i said to husband, THIS SEEMS like it would be a good time to drink.  I knew i wouldn’t.  It just would have been a good time to drink, if there was ever such a time.

Instead, i’m going to do some massive house cleaning — literally and figuratively.  i’m going to clean up and clean out.  I’m even starting to feel like job #3 is too much work most weeks.

Beginning today I’m going to experiment with doing a lot less, and see if i can sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come up with that decision.

What will it mean if i do A LOT LESS.

well, we’re about find out.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

7 thoughts to “doing a lot less”

  1. You can put your life in a box. Write it all down, all the frustrations, then put the list in a box. Ask the universe/God to sort it out. Breathe. This helped me when I was having that difficulty with my boss. I wrote his name down, put it in a box, and said to the universe/God “Take it. I can’t deal with it anymore.” Funnily enough, it worked.

    The sick husband? Good luck. : )

  2. Fabulous news! Hooray and hoo-rah! I think you bolded the key bit because, well, it’s the key bit. Now that you’ve removed the chaos and drama and unhappiness of drinking you’re no longer so willing to tolerate it in other parts of your life. The pseudo shrink in me says this is healthy Belle – very healthy.

    Clear that physical and psychic space and you make room for new things to enter. Even in short periods of sobriety I’ve started to feel myself getting urges to purge, sweep out, houseclean literally and physically. Maybe it’s all about waking up to what’s not working in a broader sense?

    Can you put the husband in a box just until his toothache disappears?

  3. I am newly sober and this concept of being able to handle so much chaos when you are drinking is very interesting to me. I prided myself on doing ten times more than most people. I had my hands in everything and I still do for the most part. Seeing that this is typical high functioning behavior is just another sign for me that I am the “A” word. I am choosing to go to yoga tonight instead of going to my daughter’s basketball game. I would normally never miss this even though there are two more games this week. I have sat on the sidelines of my children’s games for half my life it seems. I guess we can be thankful that we get to make choices that may be really good for us and also be free from the alcohol induced guilt.

  4. Seems to be a theme today! i just read another blogger who talked about the importance of “scaling back”, which is something as difficult for me as it is necessary. Best of luck on your endeavors, and especially on slowing down the machine!

  5. I hope things get better for you and less stressful. It sounds like you are on the right path and practicing self care which is a good thing.
    I hope the headache went away.
    Take care
    Jenna

  6. It’s a good topic for all of us to consider and I think perhaps especially those of us in early sobriety. I have found myself thinking about all the things I need to urgently do, change, FIX, especially when I’m not drinking – like I need to correct all the mistakes of boozing ALL AT ONCE. But, really, I think what I probably most need to do is simplify, pare back, give myself space to focus on the essentials.

    Hope you’re feeling better today beautiful Belle.

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