i finally had a drinking dream.
in my dream, i had driven across the country to visit my family. (in real life, i have done this several times.) in the dream, i had ‘arrived’ at my destination, the end of the road, the place with history and family and sunshine (it was sunny in the dream).
in the dream, i had one beer, a local beer, something i used craved when away.
and later that afternoon, in the dream, i realized that the one beer had awakened the wolf voice, and that i now had a tight pinched feeling in my head, a deep craving and hunger for more beer. Lots more of it. and I knew that it was just like when i FIRST quit drinking, and that by having one beer i was going to have feel those withdrawal symptoms again, the (thankfully brief) angst of quitting was going to start all over again. (at least, even when dreaming, i realized that even one beer = quitting again … rather than 1 beer = hey let’s have a kegger).
in the dream, i regretted the beer — because it meant i’d have to feel shitty and struggle to quit again.
that feeling of angst, feeling shitty, starting over, i’m thankful to say are NOT a part of my regular, waking life and haven’t been for 140 days <sigh of relief>.
This past week I attended a Beaujolais Nouveau wine dinner, and the woman beside me was frankly shocked that i’d go to a wine event and not drink wine. I told her that the first 30 days of quitting were a bit of a struggle, and that i wasn’t sure i was making the right decision, but that thankfully each month since has been easier, and that now at 4+ months i’m quite happy with my life, and i think that life without wine is not only ‘good’ but ‘better’.
She looked at me vacantly and said “but what about cheese?”
She said, “I have to have some wine when I eat cheese.”
I was pretty surprised at her thought process. cuz having deep associations like THAT is what prevents everyone from making changes and moving forward (not just about wine but about everything). Really? You really and truly can’t eat cheese without consuming booze? Seriously? I wonder how many other false associations she has (we have) that keep her locked in place. how unfortunate to think like that, when in fact everything is open to change. Every character trait that we brush off as “I’m just like that” can be adapted and tweaked and improved. All of our personal “rules” we assume are written in stone are in fact written in jell-o. come on now. cheese with wine is the reason you couldn’t every contemplate quitting drinking? What about weddings? Apparently they can done without champagne, who knew!
I smiled and said that i felt quite proud of myself for the ‘self-discipline challenge’ and that my life was vastly improved since quitting — for all sorts of reasons. Better sleep, I’ve lost weight, I run more, and i feeeeel muuuuch better. a ton better. and she’s sort of shaking her head, saying “well i could never do that.”
Whether you think you can or can’t … you are right.
I wonder what other bits of my own life I still believe are written in stone that could be tweaked, improved, changed… You?