not enough

Here’s how i know that i don’t think about booze in a *regular* way.

I’ve been sober for 135 days (since July 1st). that seems like a long time, oui? Well every so often i have a fleeting momentary thought of having “a glass” of something … one single glass of wine or of champagne. I’ll have the thought, and then I say no (batting flies away is a great metaphor).

And i know i’ll continue to say no.  Here’s why:

I was in a hotel this weekend, alone. No computer, i was having some scheduled vegetation time.

and in this crappy little hotel room, there was a mini bar.

and in that mini bar there was the following:

  • one toblerone bar
  • one kitkat bar
  • one bottle of water
  • two tiny cans of heineken
  • two mini bottles of red wine

And here was my very quick thought process (yes, even 135 days sober):

“I can’t even really entertain the thought of having that wine … because there’s not enough.”

not enough for what? to feel terrible? to feel blotto? to fill the space? to make me sleep? to make me feel like a truck ran over my life (not just my head)?

so any ideas of one glass — which my wolf voice will periodically tease me with — are actually hilarious.  one glass? hardly.  cuz when confronted with two airplane bottles of red wine and two cans of beer, i knew in a flash that it wasn’t enough.

and so i will continue to have none.  thanks just the same.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

7 thoughts to “not enough”

  1. Great post….Have you seen the movie Flight with Denzel Washington? Anyway it was extremely emotional for me as I could relate some to him and his struggles. There is a scene in there that includes the “mini bar” so good for you that you had none:)!!! Day 2 for me!!!:)

    1. ha, my disklike of flying will probably prevent me from scaring the shit out of myself with a movie like Flight … I was able to watch the Tom Hanks shipwrecked movie only by covering my eyes for the first 15 mins of the film! Day 2 for you rocks. you know you’re not going to drink today and that’s all that matters … get lots of fizzy water, and plan something else to do. go bowling! : )

  2. Really like the “truck running over my life” combination of words; that really does do it justice, Belle. None is the right amount for me too.

    Cheers to one day without – today – abeautifulmess39, and yesterday makes two. Excellent.

  3. YES! I remember walking by a wine shop this summer, a few weeks into my quitting, thinking, I don’t want one bottle, I want to drink the whole store. All at once. It was a real feeling, and made me realize just how impossible it all was, including drinking “normally” anymore…

  4. Great articulation of a boozers thought process. I still do not see the point in one glass of wine, at all. What is the point of one glass of wine? Somebody tell me. And I agree, batting away flies is a great metaphor. Those thoughts don’t deserve any real consideration. Bat them away and move on, fast. You’re doing so great! Oh how I would love a weekend alone in vegetating in a hotel room…. xxxx

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