who do i have to become?

i am well.  day 86.  i do feel like i have a reward coming on day 90 but haven’t figure out what it should be yet. maybe a big feed of sushi. i was previously thinking expensive jewellery.  but now that i’m here at day 90, i want my BIG reward to come later… it’s getting easier to move the big reward forward in time. when i’m sober 120 days, 6 months, 12 months …

yesterday afternoon, after another 3-day passion/job thingy, i was sooo tired. and there was an open bottle of champagne in the house from guests. it was 5 pm and i was nearly collapsed with fatigue.  i asked husband if he was going to finish the champagne, and he said no. i said well this would be a good time for me to have some. a normal time. this would be the exact time where champagne would be a normal thing to do. he asked if i wanted tea. he poured the champagne down the drain in the kitchen, with me at his side, and i was saying “maybe you’ll finish it?” he kept pouring.  i love my husband. he is adorable.  he emptied out the champagne and then made me tea.

so yes, had a very busy weekend but with my new rules, i’m doing OK. i was even in bed last night BEFORE 9 pm and then slept 10.5 hours… this week i’m going to get to bed as early as possible every single night, just to ensure a good, smooth, even, enjoyable week.  This is the week that i begin the new contract for my passion/job thingy. well i haven’t heard from them since we ‘agreed’ to the terms by email, so i assume it’s all going ahead starting on wednesday. i have planned a very slack week for the rest of my life, to ensure adequate time, energy and room for this. also, husband is out 3 evenings this week so i’ll have lots of alone time suitable for bubble baths and early-to-bed reading.  i can seriously vegetate.

Who do I have to *become* in order to achieve my life goals?

I need to be someone who gets enough sleep 6 out of 7 nights, who is ‘in-advance’, who is patient, who does today what needs to be done and doesn’t wait for tomorrow. I need to be someone who rewards myself small and big, someone who pats myself on the back for a job well done. And someone who takes enough time off and has enough mid-week mini vacations to make it all worthwhile.

ladies and gentlemen, I have shit I want to DO with this very cool life of mine, and so i need to become the right kind of person. i need to evolve. and for me, the first step in evolution is enough sleep.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

10 thoughts on “who do i have to become?

  1. Listen to you girl “when i’m sober 120 days, 6 months, 12 months …” Was this the Dry July girl????
    So pleased you are feeling good. just remember that in the process of evolving into the person you want to be you don’ t forget that you are a wonderful, kind person right now!!

    1. she is me! dry july girl on a roll… i have my moments of pink cloudish-ness followed by exhausted ‘let’s drink everything in the house’. thankfully i’m evolving. so glad I have your footsteps to follow in, cleo.

  2. Rewards for milestones are so nice that first year…enjoy each and every one. 90 days is a really big one.

    I like how you’re focusing on getting enough sleep…it seems so simple yet substantial. You’re making me more aware of my own sleep habits and how closely sleep is tied with my physical and emotional well being.

  3. Sounds like you have a really good plan, Belle. Paying attention to yourself, your needs and sleep schedule, planning in advance, and a supportive husband for when your defenses are down. You are well on your path to having everything you listed in the person you want to be and the life you want to live. Awesome! 🙂

  4. “shit I want to do” (emphasis on the “want”)! Me too! So much shit I want to get done now that I’m sober, so many things I want to be, I get palpitations worrying about whether I’ll have enough time. Then today I thought, You know when I was a kid I never worried about how much time I had to do the things I wanted to do, I didn’t know then how much time I’d have either. That didn’t stop me then, why let it stop me now.

  5. And so arrives day 87! That’s fantastic. You’ve got your big 90 on Friday and i’ve got 60 on Saturday 🙂
    Honest, deep sleep is surely one of the greatest rewards of not drinking. What an effect it has on every aspect of life. I’m rarely even remembering dreams anymore… is your sleep basically like you’re unconscious until you stir in the morning? Best. sleep. ever.

    1. i’m sleeping longer, and waking less, but i still dream a lot and i’m quite a light sleeper (i hear everything even with earplugs). Thankfully the best part is that the 3 am “my life is in the toilet” anxiety sessions have stopped completely. also, i get to bed earlier now that i’m sober. with a few glasses of wine, the time always seemed irrelevant, and we’d start a new movie at 11 pm… instead of being in bed before 9 pm like on Sunday night!

  6. I am so excited for you! 3 Months! Congratulations.

    Cleo’s comments are soooo true………

    Sleep. My night sweats were so bad that the doctor was considering hormone treatments. They have all but disappeared or are so mild I barely wake up since I have stopped drinking. A huge benefit. Still have a weak bladder so there are still a couple trips to the loo but so much better then waking six to eight times a night.

    So true about the time being irrelevant when drinking at night. I love the 9-10 bedtime these days.

    Sleep makes everything better for sure.

    1. my doctor *did* put me on HRT to try to combat my waking at 3 am… once i stopped drinking, i stopped the medication too, didn’t need it. doctor should have been asking how much wine i was drinking. Well, folks, it turns out that 2-3 glasses a night is enough to frig with your sleep… and that’s life : )

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