I must remove exhaustion from the table. At all costs.

I’m feeling about 75% well today, so better than yesterday.  Sickness, exhaustion, and overwhelm = not my finest moments. not the best combination. Mix that with the witching hour (7 pm to 9 pm).  Last night was hard but not impossible. I’m glad I posted.  Glad I put it out there that i was struggling.  As soon as I press “publish” i know that i won’t drink.  I expose the wolf for all the world to see, and then he shuts up. Thankfully.

But i have to accept, also, that this new hobby/passion is kicking my ass.  and I am going to have to make some new rules starting right now.  These things are more important to me than my passions, my work, or money:

  1. No matter how busy I get, I have to get enough sleep.  For me that is a minimum of 8 hours, and best is 9.5 hours. That’s every night. If i am too busy to get enough sleep, then i’m too busy.
  2. No matter how busy i get, I have to be able to run. This is 4-5 times a week. I can only run if i’ve had enough sleep, and if there’s enough time between job 1, job 2 and passion job.
  3. This means that I’m probably going to have to scale back … I know the new passion job is taking wings, and getting ready to explode with popularity (someone featured my new gig on their blog yesterday, god help me).  The big new contract that I spoke about before starts next week (yes, in addition to all this, it’s going to get busier)… While I love this new adventure, I’m not ready for it to take over my life.

If i’m being overworked by my passion, then I need to take a step back.  if it’s not fun, and it starts to feel like work, then I’ve got to be careful. I don’t want to get burnt out on the one thing I really love doing.

I’m nearly 46 years old.  Today is the day that I learn, once and for all, that I need enough sleep. It’s virtually impossible for me to stay sane, productive, running, and sober if i’m exhausted.  I must remove exhaustion from the table.  At all costs.  Even if that means giving things up.  Sleep and running are number one, because they LEAD to the other goals being possible.

If AA rules are don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired…then mine are (expressed in the positive, cuz that’s the kind of chick i am):

YOU MUST GET ENOUGH …

  • Sleep
  • Exercise
  • Healthy Food
  • Down-time
  • Rewards (like cake, tea, nail polish, fresh pineapple)

(i’m never lonely, and i’m usually only angry when exhausted, so i can remove those from my personal list)

I refuse to need to relearn these lessons any more.  I’m old enough, i’ve lived long enough, and I know this already.  I know that i need enough sleep.  Stop fucking talking about it, and just do it. From now on.

 

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • i absolutely LOVE that list!! I want to post it somewhere but fortunately it’s simple enough to memorize. It is absolutely true that most of the time I crave a drink, I’m just thirsty. Also can relate to needing a good 8 hours sleep to feel human. Plus the running too. Yep, agree 100% with everything you say here. I’m struck by your awareness and resolve to go easier on yourself and why that’s so important. Such a positive message here, just love it all.

  • Belle, I was just getting ready to comment on your last post when I realized you had posted this (still trying to catch up, having been away).

    I am so happy that you are feeling better and I LOVE this post! Exhaustion can be the undoing of any of us. It is amazing how our whole world view can change when we don’t get enough rest.

    You are so strong, so balanced and process your moments of disquiet so thoughtfully. You not only help yourself here but help so many of us you have befriended.

    Thank you for sharing and being so honest and open. I am cheering for you every day.

  • When you put it that way it sounds obvious but I know how hard it is to recognize when you’re in the middle of it so good job! We all have our non-negotiable must haves and it’s awesome that you won’t take no for an answer with yours. I need to work on that.

  • Thanks a lot for the post. It is important for me also to take the time to relax and enjoy myself as well as stay busy. I guess it is about finding some sort of a balance and doing things in moderation, not getting warn out, etc. I look forward to reading more of your blog. I got help getting clean and sober from a place called New Life House. Check out their site if you are looking for help. New Life House – A Structured Sober Living

  • I love rules, I love a list, and I love a plan! This is all so ace. Great realisations and analysis of how to balance the things you need in your life with the things you want to have in your life.
    Great to hear you’re feeling better Belle.
    xo