i’m ‘this’ close
was out for dinner last night, someone finally asked why i wasn’t drinking. i got to explain the story ‘my-way’ and it wasn’t a big deal. i made myself look disciplined and happy with my decision.
As we got up from dinner (@ 11 pm) i realized that i wasn’t feeling well. at all.
i headed off walking with the group to the train, but stopped 3/4 of the way there, said i forgot my phone at the restaurant, and went back for a bathroom stop. Still not feeling great and knew i had to get home. was too far to walk, a cab would be awkward, a train impossible. stood around for a bit trying to figure out what was going to happen to me physically. I walked to the train trying to psych myself up for it. I got on the train, then got right off again before it left the station. found another bathroom. paid and re-entered, got on the train again, but wasn’t paying attention and went in the wrong direction. got off and changed sides and started again. finally got home at 12:30 am, spent another while in the bathroom. didn’t get to sleep until 1:30 am.
Today i am understandably exhausted. I got up, did almost nothing all morning, went back to bed at noon and slept 2 hrs. Then i forced myself to get dressed and to go out for supplies as we’re gearing up for another 3-day passion/job thing. Worked hard late in the afternoon.
Now it’s evening (9:45 pm). still headachey. i have eaten today and all seems well enough. i’m hydrated. i have an appetite.
i just feel gigantically terrible.
i have the feeling that i used to get, when i would quit drinking for a few days and then started again. i have a feeling that goes like this:
what’s the point, why bother, i’m not quitting forever so i might as well drink now. what’s the point in working as hard as this, to feel as crummy as this? it’s all not worth it. i can’t even go to bed because i have so much work to do to get ready for the weekend. i swear i’m taking some time off after this. and fuck this, i’m going to drink again on day 90 (in 7 days). i won’t be impulsive about it, i will plan it, but i’m just over this whole thing.
Now thank god i keep a blog because i realize i got to this place before, this exact same place. it’s when i feel sick and exhausted. i get in this weird loop of surfing the web, feeling like there’s too much information out there and i’ll never catch up, i’ll never figure it out. whatever it is. who knows what it is.
right now, i am going to eat again, and then go to bed. i’m going to try very hard to sleep through the night, for at least 8 hrs. i’m going to try super hard to run tomorrow morning. i’m going to work like a dog for 3 days. we are going to earn money. it will be worth it. i’ll get a second wind (later). i will socialize and love the people i meet. I will drink a lot of water and i will take a bath every day. with bubbles and candles.
i will not drink.
but i am sorely, desperately tempted. I’m ‘this’ close.