i feel like i’ve said everything there is to say. i feel like i’m writing and have no audience, no voice, am not entertaining even to myself. I’m still exhausted from my third-passion-job, three-day adventure even though i slept 12 hrs last night. i get a break now and only have regular work tomorrow. that’s a break. Monday. yes, i’m really tired. exhausted. is it worth it, this passion thing? maybe if anything interrupts my ability to sleep or run it should automatically be outlawed. nice black-and-white thinking. well, on those terms, affecting sleep/running, then i would have to outlaw wine, too. instead i think a glass of wine would be prefect right now. i haven’t done my 30 minutes of writing for the last 3 days. and i’m off the running. i’m also mostly off showering. i’ve just been working. the third-passion-job is on my mind even when i close my eyes to sleep. and it’s literally under my fingernails. it’s the wrong time of the month. it’s 8:29 pm. i’m on one computer in one room, husband on another in another. there must be more to life than this. i’d like an injection of good sleep, good energy, good run, and a clean house, and a clean slate, a burst of fresh air, some wind in my sails.
instead, it’s 8:30 pm. i’m going to have a cup of mint tea in the bathtub. yes, i’ll fill the tub with water first, before i get in. i won’t just sit in an empty tub with a cup of tea. i’ll get into the tub now before i decide to open the wine. well, ok, not really. but some days it seems like an idea worthy of giving it a solid 6/10. today, as an idea, it’s a 3/10. sounds like it could be nice but i know i’m not going to do it. and do you know what keeps me from drinking? not what you might think. not all the glorious pink cloud moments, not worrying about having to tell you-all. no, what keeps me from drinking is that i’m afraid i’ll regret it. and since i’m a pretty decisive and solid person in my regularly scheduled life, i don’t regret much. i’m lucky. i have very few regrets in life. and now i’m afraid of having regret take the form of a glass of wine. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is what’s keeping me going. at least tonight.