Note to self: Beware! Good feelings ahead!

well that’s interesting. a big giant trigger i haven’t experienced in the past two months, completely unexpected feeling of OH GOD i need a drink to smooth this out, to take the edge off, to remain calm.

and what happened? what was the trigger?

a request to go in and present to a big new (potential) company on Friday morning. oh and can i come with samples? But of course (yeah right, let me check … i have nothing on hand).

This is important to me for several reasons. I have two primary sources of income and i’ve been playing with a third source for about a year.  it’s making about 400 euros a month now, it’s a side-hobby kind of thing, but it’s my real passion in life whereas my two other jobs are very successful and lovely and i have great clients, colleagues, managers, but they’re not why i’m on the planet.

the presentation on friday is for the 3rd passion-side-hobby job. it would seem that they’re not entertaining other vendors; i have been recommended to them from a previous one-time-only client, and they’re pretty sure they want to hire me based on her referral. the Friday meeting appears to be to talk about logistics, what i can do, what i can’t do, what i won’t do, and what i’ll charge, and to show me the space and meet their team.

the urge to drink? as soon as i hung up the phone.  a low thrum of excitement, a thrill even.  Yes, a feeling of hooray! Not panicked or manic or overwhelmed or nervous, just happy and excited for the opportunity

and that, my friends, made me feel like drinking.  Happy and excited = one shot of vodka into my tonic and cranberry.

Instead, I ran some warm water and did the dishes by hand instead of putting them into the dishwasher.  I ate half of a toasted english muffin as a snack. and then i figured i’d come in here and write down the contents of my head …

Note to self: Beware! Good feelings ahead! May inspire alcohol cravings! Take necessary precautions! : )

Light bulb moment: Who knew that i drank to be less excited? i thought I drank when things were shitty.  that’s not even true, i drank no matter what the emotion.  happy, sad, depressed, lonely, angry. Oh, look there’s an emotion, time to drink.  How foolish. instead i will now mellow into this happy and pleased feeling of being chosen and being recognized for my work. Maybe there’s some cake in my future …

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

9 thoughts to “Note to self: Beware! Good feelings ahead!”

  1. For a couple of years now I have been misquoting one of my favorite sayings from AA, “Wait for the miracles.” I’m not a member of AA and through research I have learned that the quote is actually, “Wait for the miracle,” in the singular and the single “miracle” that AA is speaking of is the miracle of sobriety instead of the parade of miracles that I envisioned would grace my life, if I could just manage to get sober.

    But you know what? There is a parade of miracles marching through my life since I sobered up, with all the bells and whistles. Sometimes it takes my breath away.

    Don’t look now, belle, but here come your miracles.

    That’s what I believe anyway.

    1. thanks for this, how sweet. i have a pretty great and lucky life already, so if there are more miracles coming, it’ll definitely be parade time : ) No matter, i’ll take more miracles. in the plural!

  2. this is true for me, too! and, lately, moreso since i’ve been having more small victories because i’m not drinking. it’s like, i’ll be ending a long day of good work, or writing, or coming home from doing things i’ve been dreading, and i’ll have the urge to drink…to celebrate! like, wow, you did such a good job today AND you didn’t drink — definitely time for a drink! ridiculous. then, i feel sad and disappointed cuz i can’t. almost worse, in a way, than wanting to drink when i feel shitty. oh, well, i’m working on finding new ways to celebrate and “tricking” my brain into actually believing they’re better than wine. 😉 btw, loved your comments to my blog the other day — that wine is getting dumped or gifted ASAP! 🙂

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