i don’t want to drink. that’s a great feeling.

hosting a client event yesterday, breakfast. i’m drinking OJ. the guy beside me is drinking champagne and OJ for the first time. he says to me “it’s all foamy on top, like there’s soap in the glass. is it supposed to taste like this?” hands me his glass, I take a big glug.

fuckers.

talk about a reflex!

his drink was fine. i handed it back to him and then said to myself: “stoopid, stoopid, stoopid.”

I quickly filled my glass with more OJ and drank it down. then i looked around for something stronger. Tea. drank some.

I waited. afraid that the wolf would be awakened by that mouthful.

shit, double shit.

there was only one small thought:  “you’ve had some, you might as well have a glass now.”

i cornered my husband and quickly explained what had happened “i had a drink of champagne!”‘

he calmly said: you’ve had beer in pork stew, you’ve had beef baked in wine. it doesn’t mean anything.

he’s right.

i haven’t had a ‘drinking dream’ yet but i’ve had a strange near-miss in real life. the feeling of panic was a new feeling.  “Oh my god i drank some alcohol, HELP!”

i had oj and tea and coffee and water for the rest of the day. at the end of the event there was a half-bottle of champagne left and i put it in the fridge for my husband to drink later. it was of no interest to me.

i don’t want to drink. that’s a great feeling.

and it’s a relief.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

9 thoughts to “i don’t want to drink. that’s a great feeling.”

  1. What changed creatures we are of late? I would react the same as you did. Hate the thought of “accidentally” drinking. Who would have thought we could be here? Isn’t it quite amazing the shift in our thinking?

    1. i think it’s totally amazing how QUICKLY our thinking has changed .. cuz really and truly, 56 days isn’t really a very very long time… (you’re a bit further ahead of me i realize!). the first 7 or 14 or 16 days of sobriety can be hard. the deciding to quit can be hard (or spontaneous). but i NEVER thought i’d feel relieved. I figured I’d be struggling to resist my entire life … Yippee! this is an unplanned bonus. sort of like you, cleo, you’re a surprise present too : )

      1. Oh fuck yes. I am so glad to hear that, Belle. You are so on the right path here and that proves it, no?

  2. i had a dream the other night that people were trying to trick me into to drinking just so i’d have to change my quit date. It stayed with me the rest of the day, even though i knew no one in my entourage would want me to drink again ever! i can so appreciate your fear as regards this instance!

  3. I had an NA beer earlier this week and my drinker friend accused me of cheating. But ONE NA beer? If I was being that rigid, I wouldn’t be able to have rum raisin ice cream, kombucha, etc. If I thought that any of these things by themselves would derail me back into drunkenhood, of course I would avoid them. But they aren’t going to.

  4. Oh scary. I took a sip of someone’s vodka and red bull by mistake once when my plain red bull looked exactly the same sitting next to it. I couldn’t taste it but also waited breathlessly to see what would happen in my head. Nothing. I don’t want to test it but I’d be surprised now if I had some by mistake that all would be lost and I would turn into a enthusiastic wine-guzzler again. I feel like all that really heavy brain-work that I’ve been doing means that I’m not just holding myself back from imbibing, I actually truly don’t want that stuff in my life any more. Don’t want it, don’t need it. I’d like to think one or two sips, should they happen by accident, wouldn’t be enough to tip me over and wipe out all the mental re-training I’ve been doing. I’d like to think that anyway. You are doing so great, especially after that tricky emotional time last week. You wanted to drink but you didn’t! You didn’t! That, my friend, was huge. Fabulous you. xxx

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