sadness

i’m fine. i’m obviously going through some temper tantrum things right now. disappointed that the summer is nearly over and i didn’t enjoy it the way i wanted to. disappointed that i feel like i haven’t gotten anything done, that i’ve been obsessing.  and mostly i’m just really tired.

i do have to tell you though that after i posted last night, i felt some relief. like my personal alcohol obsessing will stop soon, and that i can find some new kind of normal — whatever that is. i know. i know. moderation is virtually impossible, and i do believe that. i would like to go back to some magical place where one glass of wine is enough and is soothing.  i know it doesn’t even exist but i’m really pitching a giant sized (internal) temper tantrum right now.  i don’t know how to articulate exactly what’s happening, but something is definitely up.

And yes, i’d like to be able to stop resisting and start just living, and i’m not sure how to navigate that yet, or if i can.

but also, to complicate things terribly, the 20 year old daughter of a colleague/work friend of mine is going to die today. i know the family fairly well, and the daughter and i have hung out on several occasions… the loss of this young girl, the knowing that after a week of uncertainties that she is now off of life support, and they are waiting for the end … this seems (understandably) to have pitched me into a “why bother” kind of despair.

i’m glued to my facebook page waiting for her mom to update her status (for the last time). i was up through the night waiting for the news, watching people post pictures of the girl, tagged, everyone saying how great this kid is/was (and she really is an amazingly bright soul). I’m far away, i can’t travel for the funeral. i can’t even reach the family in a meaningful way now with all the influx of communication they’re getting. and it’s not the right time to say anything except sorry. it’s really all just horrific. i slept a bit more early this morning, and now i’m up again. drinking coffee, crying, and waiting.

i think struggling is unfortunately a part of life, and me wanting the struggle to be silenced with booze is my default reflex. i think of my friend’s daughter, who is right this minute navigating her way into another phase of life, and i just fucking want it all to stop.  all of it.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

16 thoughts on “sadness

  1. Good morning Belle, I’m so sorry .. . . I read your last couple of posts last night before I went to bed, wrote and accidentally deleted a wordy reply and then fell asleep thinking of your(my) dilemma. I so totally understand how confusing it feels but today I awoke hangover free (nearly 3 weeks) and it all seems worthwhile.
    Were I to offer just one tiny piece of advice .. . it would be to put on your sneakers and run as hard as you can for as long as it takes to change your mood, endorphins can often if not always override the angst for me. Your milage may vary .. . be strong, chin up !!

  2. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. And what your friends are going through, and for their daughter. What a tragic loss. I’m so sorry.
    xo

  3. I try so hard sometimes to find just the right things to say to make a person think and feel the way I do. It’s very egocentric of me but I still do it, I guess we all do. So on this hard, difficult morning of yours all I can say is that I think you need to “feel” your way through this. I don’t know why we are given such sorrow and pain but it does remind us of how much we loved the person we are losing and don’t they deserve to have all that love, don’t we need to feel that, isn’t there usually good that comes from that, even if we struggle to find it? ((((Belle)))), you are a person that cares deeply, you are blessed. My thoughts will be with you today. Kary

  4. Hi belle, so you are human after all, experiencing human stuff. It’s good that you are “aware” of yourself, I can cetainly relate to the idea of “what the hell do I care for” when faced with external events.

    I can easily see how taxing it is to be thinking about not drinking 24×7. It would also be plain boring after a while. It’s only when the wolf opens its mouth do you need to put the boot in it. You’re got the boot, you’ve got the reasons why it’s a dumb assed idea. Don’t worry about when the wolf will speak. You’ll be okay if and when it does. Practice with me now… “shut the fuck up”. See, easy as. Then again, I’m probably just talking shite.

    My situation is probably different. Other aspects of my life have relieved me of the space to obsess over something so minor as abstinence. Maybe that’s a good thing? But I sometimes think of drinking, but never in some way that I can’t immediately silence.

    I think where I am going with this is that I think You can be abstinent and not have to think about it, except when your mind says something stupid. The collarary of that proposition is that voluntarily reducing the thought you devout to not drinking does not mean an inevitable end to abstinence. So relax and enjoy your life.

    There, that was definitely total shite.

    Take care my virtual friend, Paul.

    1. it really never occurred to me before reading your comment, paul, that i didn’t have to think about booze all the time — only when the wolf spoke up. i don’t know how this escaped me for so long. i don’t have to be vigilant every minute of the day … what a relief : )

  5. Bells. I’m on my way to my grammas funeral and the noises in my head are fucked. I talked to my dad last night, who slurred through our conversation. His mom died. He will be wasted during my whole visit. Part of me wants to drink my face off with him so that I could just stop thinking and part of me wants him to see the sober me. I’m in for a hectic few days belle. I will be thinking of you, my rock! Don’t give up being strong. I need you today and tomorrow.
    Love jen. Day 4 again

    1. when i first read this, jen, i thought “shit man, i can’t be strong for her cuz i can’t be strong for anybody.” now reading it again a few days later, i realize that we’re all being strong for each other. you’re doing our grief thing, i’m doing mine, and we’re getting it done.

  6. Good morning, my dear. I wish I could be there to hug you and comfort you through all this. It’s not easy to go through a traumatic time no matter what.

    Again, I understand about the tempter tantrum part…it is hard to put into words but the feeling is definitely shared. Keep breathing and no matter what you decide, know that you are loved and held in our thoughts.

  7. I would love to have said what Kary May said but it never would have been quite that perfect…so I second it. Cyber hugs from Hoping!!!! on Day 9. Thinking of you.

  8. I also went to bed last night thinking of you and not knowing what to say to your last post. The one before that was so amazing, then last nights one .. now this one today. Full on. FULL ON. All so fucking full on. Belle, this is living sober. This is what it is. It is crying, and getting frustrated, and angry. It is sadness, it is hopelessness. It is raw, it is real. It is hard, and it is relentless. It is sober living. This is why it is tricky and it takes some work getting used to it. This is raw life, without the drug. The drug is attractive because it bends our brains and shifts our attention to a more blurry place. Me, I don’t want that any more. So I press on with the sober, albeit hard and raw at times life. Press on Belle .. you can do it. You’ve got the grit and determination and strength. Go very easy on yourself, and take good good care. Sending love xxx

  9. Such good advice and perspective in these comments. What a wise and supportive community you have created for yourself and this not-drinking journey. What Mrs. D said resonates especially. This “is sober living”. Nothing in life has changed, life (the good and the bad) is constantly happening to everyone. Its us, as people, who change.
    I’m sending you resiliency, clarity, “grit and determination”, serenity and calm.

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