i’m fine. i’m obviously going through some temper tantrum things right now. disappointed that the summer is nearly over and i didn’t enjoy it the way i wanted to. disappointed that i feel like i haven’t gotten anything done, that i’ve been obsessing. and mostly i’m just really tired.
i do have to tell you though that after i posted last night, i felt some relief. like my personal alcohol obsessing will stop soon, and that i can find some new kind of normal — whatever that is. i know. i know. moderation is virtually impossible, and i do believe that. i would like to go back to some magical place where one glass of wine is enough and is soothing. i know it doesn’t even exist but i’m really pitching a giant sized (internal) temper tantrum right now. i don’t know how to articulate exactly what’s happening, but something is definitely up.
And yes, i’d like to be able to stop resisting and start just living, and i’m not sure how to navigate that yet, or if i can.
but also, to complicate things terribly, the 20 year old daughter of a colleague/work friend of mine is going to die today. i know the family fairly well, and the daughter and i have hung out on several occasions… the loss of this young girl, the knowing that after a week of uncertainties that she is now off of life support, and they are waiting for the end … this seems (understandably) to have pitched me into a “why bother” kind of despair.
i’m glued to my facebook page waiting for her mom to update her status (for the last time). i was up through the night waiting for the news, watching people post pictures of the girl, tagged, everyone saying how great this kid is/was (and she really is an amazingly bright soul). I’m far away, i can’t travel for the funeral. i can’t even reach the family in a meaningful way now with all the influx of communication they’re getting. and it’s not the right time to say anything except sorry. it’s really all just horrific. i slept a bit more early this morning, and now i’m up again. drinking coffee, crying, and waiting.
i think struggling is unfortunately a part of life, and me wanting the struggle to be silenced with booze is my default reflex. i think of my friend’s daughter, who is right this minute navigating her way into another phase of life, and i just fucking want it all to stop. all of it.