As I come up to my 60 day anniversary, i’m finding myself in a place similar to where I was when i was coming up to 30 days. Am i continuing this sober experiment or not? I won’t bore you with all of the thought processes, because i think they’re predictable. I didn’t set out to quit forever, my goal was dry july. I’ve done nearly 60 days with your support and encouragement. but i don’t feel like i’m doing it for myself anymore.
i continue to vacillate between pink clouds and wishy-washy-ness in the same day, moreso in the last 10 days.
sigh. I feel like i’ve spent my summer doing this, and i regret it, which is ridiculous. But i feel like i’ve wasted my summer staring at my computer screen and trying to find answers in books instead of being out in the world (or baking in my kitchen). Being on quasi-vacation for the month of August is also turning out to be terribly long and hot and supremely boring and mostly disappointing. Our ‘official’ vacation, where we get to travel, doesn’t start until August 31st. And by then summer will be over.
I should have done this differently.
So anyway. I’m just announcing this now, so that there’ll be no big shocking ending, or weirdness. I am going to end my sober experiment at the end of the month. i am not planning to drink that day, and I’m not going to return to drinking every day, but i’m tired of this. Like, supremely tired. Yes, the wolf is getting quieter and quieter. Yes it’s getting easier. But to what point? I’ve lost the plot now. I’ve saved some money and lost a few pounds and i’ve exercised my self-discipline in ways that most people don’t or can’t. That’s super.
Yes, i’ve had lots of good days, and i’m happy that i’ve done this because i got to hang out with you-all. amazing support and guidance and grit and warmth. But lately it feels like i’m spinning my wheels, and that my life is on some kind of gigantic pause. I know that drinking a glass of wine won’t lift the pause button, but over-focussing on not drinking certainly has put me on pause …
sorry. i’m not trying to be dramatic. i’m not crying or flailing around. i’m trying to be real. every time i post something like this, i think i’m going to delete it in 10 minutes. i’m tired of thinking about drinking. that’s the name of this blog. i’m in a pit now of thinking too much again, just on the other side of the topic. I am not drinking. And i don’t have specific plans to drink. I’m just really really tired of the pause button feeling. i don’t know how else to describe it.