slamming hand in car door is not a good idea

I probably don’t meet the definition of an alcoholic. No bottom, no disaster, just a slow erosion of quality of life.

but there was alcohol consumed in my immediate family, and i have watched the effects closely, all my life.

ok, i’m not a textbook alcoholic myself, perhaps, but did the consumption of alcohol negatively affect my life? definitely. i was grumpy when drinking, i slept poorly, and i still weigh more than i want to.

did i continue to drink for a long time after i knew that it wasn’t working for me? yes. i’ve been writing things in my journal like “drink less” for years. forever, it seems.  i have a diary from 2004 and it’s right there in black in white.

Sober, I like the person i’m becoming. sure, i’d like to be able to have one glass of wine with dinner, but the noise in my head gets so loud that one drink would always turns into three. even when i have a big work gig in the morning, even when i know the next day would be a disaster.

I equate THAT with repeatedly slamming your hand in a car door.  like, if you want to feel pain, there are easier ways to get it!

Yes, we can have a conversation about degrees.  degrees of use, abuse, powerlessness.  i never want one glass of wine, i want three.  if i were to drink today, i would also drink tomorrow.

now that i’m not drinking, the noise in my head has mostly stopped.  only about once a day, or less, do i think “i could have a drink now” and then i let it go. the noise is getting tamer. It doesn’t fight back so hard.  and i’m smarter than the noise in my head. I’ve finally stopped slamming my hand in a car door. what a relief.

i am (finally) learning from my mistakes. i want to evolve.

Day 41. I’ve never been here before 🙂

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

13 thoughts on “slamming hand in car door is not a good idea

  1. I personally don’t think there is any such thing as a ‘generic’ alcoholic. Some of us over-compensate to show we are not like other alcoholics, some of us lose control faster, some of us worry more about controlling others’ perceptions of our drinking.

    But we know we have a problem, even if we’re not sure we’re ready to solve that problem.

    1. probably anyone who has to ‘control’ their consumption of alcohol (i.e. everyone) will potentially have a problem sooner or later. i’m glad i stopped when i did. i’m glad i stopped slamming my hand in a car door. i want to evolve…

  2. Its an addictive poison that none of us need in our lives. We are just better off without it. Simple. Too simple perhaps? But I thinks thats the truth of it. You’re doing great Belle!

    1. yes, yes, addictive poison, yes. i agree. what i wanted to emphasize in my post was the repetitive harm aspect (i.e. slamming hand in car door) and how i want to evolve from that kind of behavior.

  3. There was a discussion on one of the message boards the other night about how much alcohol depressed each of us, and while most of us said we didn’t get actually suicidal while dealing with our drinking, we had thoughts of, “I wish I would just die and that would take care of this.” So while we all drank different amounts, had different “symptoms”, and stopped drinking at different stages, it sounds as though we were all equally miserable. So I think my definition of alcoholic is a person whom drinking makes miserable.

  4. Good morning and great post. I’m done slamming that door too. Feels good to close it gently. I just started reading a new blog last night ( from the beginning so I’m not done)…and boy her struggles were my struggles for so long. I hope she reads this post and stops slamming the car door on herself. She’s strong. I want her to know that!
    Jen

  5. Since I stopped drinking, I realized there’s a whole mess of us out there who don’t identify with the stereotypical ‘alcoholic’ label. We haven’t yet suffered the losses associated with the disease of alcoholism, but it’s safe for me to say that’s where I was headed. It’s easier for me to call myself an alcoholic because 1) I don’t know what else to call the proven inability to drink moderately and 2) it helps remind me in its absoluteness that I absolutely can’t drink again. I mean, I could, but it would be a fucking train wreck.

    Congrats on 41 days…really happy for you. Also, had my hand slammed in a car door once…ouch.

    1. i like this: “a proven inability to drink moderately” … i think that should be the new and only definition. and let’s give it a new name. Let’s call ourselves: people choosing to have the way-coolest-life possible.

  6. EVOLVE – to develop, achieve gradually, to undergo gradual change.

    You already are evolving. You’re developing your skills and knowledge about living sober. You are achieving small goals every day and the gradual change has led you to this very proud, Day 41, place in your life. You will continue to evolve and I am so glad to be witness to this amazing process in your life!

  7. 41 days! Congratulations! I love the post. 🙂 I related very much, I could never have just one glass of wine. That was torture. Slamming my hand in a door indeed.

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