one week from today, do i drink again

i understand this is a bizarre question and i am probably setting myself up here to receive an ear-full of exasperated ranting.

but here goes.

i originally decided to not drink for the month of July, follow Dry July, 30 days without alcohol.  I am on day #24 (and my keyboard now thinks it ès in portuguesÉ, how excellent”)

i have to say that i have been counting the days, probably like everyone else does when they quit.  but i/ve also been counting the days until July is over.

then i think: well i kind of like this sober thing here, even though itès been hard at times …

then i think: i don/t really want to quit forever.  i just wanted to stop thinking about drinking (thus the name of the blog).

god, this is a stooopid question and i can measure its stupidness by the way i feel right now, like i/m going to post this and then delete it right away.

here/s the stooopid question (ôther than how to change my keyboard back to english, even though it says itès in english it clearly isnèt!)

how dumb is it to think that i can set some rules for myself for August.  Like, maybe ièll drink twice in August, two different days, no more than 2 glasses of wine each night, and ièll look ahead and decide when those days might be.  is this just a form of moderation that everyone ELSE out there has tried and failed at (question mark)  … am i walking right into some kind of pit (question mark).  i have not really tried moderation before with any real effort. i certainly have not done it and blogged at the same time for accountability and exploration.

oh god, ièm going to delete this right now.  itès pointless.  the keyboard is hooped and i donèt really even know what ièm asking here.  well, does anyone have an apostrophe, ièll take one of those to start.  then ièd like to hear your advice.  about how i should go about ending my Dry July …  if you post a comment and later see that this post has been deleted, youèll know that iève changed my mind about asking this badly-formed-question …

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

21 thoughts to “one week from today, do i drink again”

  1. Maybe you can moderate? Many (lucky) people can. Give it a go. Set rules, follow them. Enjoy the booze for all the good things it offers! (relaxation, fun, camaraderie, blurring the edges of life). I just know for me those good things don’t apply any more. For me it’s not fun or relaxing or a mild escape from life’s trickiness. For me (and I can only ever speak for me) it is obsessive, unhealthy, way to heavy and frankly unnecessary now. I tried moderation over and over and over. Now, I just don’t touch the stuff because it makes my life way way way simpler (and no less fun or relaxing it must be said). Ok, so I can’t blur the edges any more which makes everything sharp and raw, but I’m adjusting to that and that’s fine too. Don’t delete this .. your robust honesty is so healthy. Take care xxx

    1. geez, mrs d, i had to look up “robust honesty” … haha. no kidding. i’ve heard of robust colors, but never seen it used like that! i guess you mean i ask hard questions? or i delve into murky topics. anyway, thanks for the compliment.

  2. As an alcoholic, my mind always revolves around the drink. Even during periods of abstinence, I was always thinking about drinking. The only solution was to quit completely before I went insane.

    You can try some controlled drinking. If it doesn’t work, at least you know that there is an alternative.

  3. Belle, have you tried Moderation Management? Here is a link to their website http://www.moderation.org/ There is a chatroom (actually there’s a regularly scheduled chat scheduled tonight), and there is a forum but it is not as active as their email main list is much more active (very active and the email can be overwhelming at first but there is some great support and tools there for people that want to take a disciplined approach to moderation) here is the link to their mainlist http://www.moderation.org/onlinegroups.shtml

    I do believe that some problem drinkers, if they have admitted their problems early enough, can learn to moderate, but not me. I also believe everybody has to answer the question of whether they can learn to moderate before they can fully appreciate the joy that sobriety has to offer. Best wishes always and be careful with yourself and others. Kary

      1. Excellent plan! Then at the end of the 90 days you could add another month, then keep doing so…trick your mind (and that bloody annoying voice) into thinking, ‘hey, just a little longer and we can drink!’…but then don’t. 😉

        Moderation, for me, never works because once I have that first drink, I know I won’t stop til all of what is in the house is gone, and sometimes I’d even start on my other half’s beer, too. Some can do it with ease, others can’t. You know, deep down, how you really are when you drink, so you really are the only one who can judge if moderation will work for you or not. *hugs*

  4. This whole issue is so individual and I respect that. There are help sites and books etc out there that are all about moderation and claim to be successful. I came across them in my googling, but can’t tell you where they are now, but I am sure you could find them. At the time I was so over it with myself I did not want to even try that – I was happy to try to stop completely. of course there’s that little thought in my head now and again – could I be a moderate drinker? but I dont want to start that whole process up again. i know for me its just too much stress to “enjoy” one or two glasses and stop. The clarity of none suits me better. But I really do think on this issue we are all different. I can smoke two cigarettes and stop and not care and not be addicted. Others can’t. Your honesty will ensure you find right path for yourself.
    Cleo xx

  5. Just wanted to add, when I really get troubled about “is this forever?” I tell myself I can ask that on my 1 year anniversary. That is long enough away to not confuse me now and by then I will have a much better perspective on the whole matter. So as BHM says above, another month might help you decide – but this is so individual. I think come next week if you listen carefully to yourself you will know what you want to do. Cleo xx

  6. Hi Belle,
    Well the decision has got to be yours and must be whatever you’re comfortable with but my experience with moderation is that it tortures me mentally. I feel that I’m constantly thinking about when I can have my allotted amount of alcohol, how it will taste, what I’m going to have…..i.e. do I use my allowance on a glass of wine or a shot of scotch……the wine might last longer but oh the scotch would taste so much better – but then for the same alcohol allowance I could have more beer (not that I actually drink beer but I’d be able to have more!!!!)
    I find it’s like being on a diet where you’re allowed treats…………..I find myself obsessing about it.
    Whatever you decide…………..good luck

  7. Wow, I wrote a big long comment yesterday and it didn’t make it to the blog, I must have forgot to push the post button. I’ll be more concise this morning. Have you tried Moderation Management http://www.moderation.org/? They have a great group of supporters and some really good tools, they have a forum on their website but it isn’t very active, instead sign up for the email list http://www.moderation.org/onlinegroups.shtml and you’ll get tons of daily emails. That is where I got started, through that site I learned that I had waited too long to try to moderate, but thankfully they had reintroduced me to a life without alcohol also and ,”Voila! here I am.” I truly believe I wouldn’t be as happy as I am in my sobriety, if I hadn’t given moderation my best shot and answered that question of whether it was possible for me. It isn’t, and I’ve very okay with that.

  8. Being completely honest, aren’t you still thinking about drinking? this blog says you are. After 24 days of not drinking, you are still thinking about drinking. Just something to ponder. I don’t know your back story, but I know for me moderation was not an option. I simply could NOT moderate. It started ruining my life. If you really want to try, try! Maybe you are one of the ones who CAN moderate. It’s only up to YOU~! Good luck =)

    1. 13.1+1, you make me laugh. yes, still thinking about drinking. it is totally clear, isn’t it… i just posted today’s thoughts and i arrived pretty much where you just pointed … to staying sober. thanks for this!

  9. To drink, or not to drink… that is the question…
    Oh gosh, I’m sure there are many Shakespeare directions to go in there.
    You’ve actually received some really great thoughts and advice, but I’ll add in with the majority that only you can really answer that for you. I could never stop at one, I could never moderate. When I tried to stop at one or two, it was like, “yeah right.” I drank to get drunk. And we all had our own reasons for wanted to get drunk- you just have to find yours.
    Are you drinking to avoid something? To fill something up? Out of boredom? Out of habit? Do you love the taste? Could you drink one drink a day, no more no less, for 30 days?
    It’s perfectly okay not to drink. I like not drinking. I have more fun, more energy, more freedom. There’s a saying that “if you are an alcoholic, you should not drink. If you are not an alcoholic, you don’t have to drink.”
    If you like yourself better as a non-drinker, stay a non-drinker. If you think you have a problem, why on earth pick up again? You don’t ever have to go back to that life. Just something to think about. 🙂

  10. I did try strict moderation plans where I set how many drinks I could have, which days I wouldn’t drink during the week, etc. I even wrote it all out, which is I’m sure what normal drinkers do 😉

    I was able to do it for awhile (over a month the second time) but I never could have lasted because I hated it. It was no fun to deprive myself of the drinks and the buzz and the freedom I liked so much about drinking. Soon enough I found myself back where I started. Ultimately, I realized it was easier to take it off the table and not worry about it at all.

    Just my two cents. I appreciate your honesty and feel for what you’re going through.

  11. I am only 16 days sober. I know this blog is a year and half old, but I wanted to say I smiled and laughed at the keyboard issues. It reminded me of having issues with an Austrian keyboard. And it was impossible to use when I was drunk. I need to add that as another reason to go sober. 🙂

  12. I loved this post! It/s nice to see where we all started from. And you really DID struggle. You came into this really smart though. I/m impressed and proud of you all in one. ;^)

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