he wouldn’t say *shit* if he had a mouthful.

the talk with the husband.

i guess i knew it would happen eventually.

i say something like “i know i don’t tell you much about what’s going on online, but i just want to say that i’ve found a really great group of women bloggers and i’m surprised at how much it’s helping me.  I don’t want to talk about not drinking all the time, or you’ll think i’m online getting brainwashed, but it really is helping me a lot.”

he says: “i think it’s great, whatever you think helps …”  and then he adds with some surprise, “i never thought you’d stop drinking on your own like this.”

me: “really?”

him: “I’ve been thinking for a long time that we drink too often (nightly). i just never thought you would stop. i figured i’d eventually have to say something.”

[gulp] i know he never would have said anything.  this guy wouldn’t say shit if he had a mouthful of it.

me: “how long have you thought we’ve been drinking too much?”

him: “since we lived in XX” (4 years ago).

me: “i figured you’d find me boring now that i’m not drinking. you said that N and G were both boring once they stopped.”

him: “not you.”

me: “and when we go on vacation, you’ll be thinking ‘why can’t she drink with me?'”

him: “no.”

me: “well i’m not sure what i’m going to do at the end of Dry July.”

him: “you’ll probably just continue.”

[god, what is he saying?]

me: “continue drinking socially?”

him: “continue not drinking.”

and while he may match me one-for-one when the wine is open, he never initiates it. he never is the one to buy it, to plan it, and if there’s no alcohol in the house he doesn’t drink.  i think now he’s just been drinking to keep me company or to avoid conflict.

yesterday i was on day 16, and i asked him when was the last time he had 16 days in a row with not one beer, and he said he didn’t drink daily before he met me (7 years ago)…

spectacular. fantastic.

of course, i know that feeling disappointed, or sad, or resentful are key triggers to drink … but i’m not being triggered. i’m actually feeling very zen and at ease with my decision to stop. there is wine in the house for an event we’re having this week, and it is not speaking to me. he was out last night and i watched a show on the computer and made muffins.  i’m sure there are difficult days ahead, but i’m honestly feeling that it has not been that hard to stop.  some brief moments of cravings that pass quickly. and most days, no cravings at all.  i’m very aware that i’m still counting days (and in some ways this seems like the longest month on record). and i know that there are challenges ahead at day 40 or 50 or 90.

i thought i was doing this just for the month of july, but perhaps not.  three drinks a day, every day, just isn’t how other people consume alcohol. and i’m really not interested in having a glass of wine with dinner now and then — as nice and romantic as that may sound. To me it sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard.  i hope at some point in the future it’ll seem appealing to have ‘just a glass’ but i know for now, it sounds like a special kind of hell.

and i never want to have ‘that’ conversation with my husband…

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

12 thoughts to “he wouldn’t say *shit* if he had a mouthful.”

  1. Wow, what a conversation to have had with your husband, Belle. I think it’s really wonderful if he just stops cuz you did. And then you both will be on to your new lives. They really are better and fuller and funner and richer lives, too.

    I am very proud of you, no matter what he does, you are the decider of your fate and you have a great start going here. dry July is Looking Better Every Day – Hang in there, Belle. You can do it.

  2. I’m really loving the slow reveal of your journey in sobriety, it so mirrors mine, how slowly but surely you start to see things really clearly that you never saw before, and realise things about your own drinking that you never realised before. I considered myself a smart perceptive chick yet I couldn’t see the shit right in front of my face! Sounds like you may have a pink cloud floating into view (heard of those?). Really enjoying your writing, thanks so much for sharing and communicating so clearly what’s going on. Take good care xxxx

  3. Hi Belle, also loving your story and the lovely way in which you write it. Thankfully I think we live in different countries otherwise we might be confronting the fact that we are married to the same guy! However I have not even really talked to mine about my decision – and I am on day 53!! A bit weird I know, but T is hugely supportive and accepting and non-questioning of my decision “to stop drinking for a while”. I suspect he thought I was drinking too much too and is happy with the change, but like yours would never had said a word and went along with it and often drank to keep me company. We are really close and good friends too and yet I have kept the whole not drinking thing really light between us. I will need to examine this more. But good on you girl. You have taken the braver route. Cleo xx

    1. married to the same guy : ) that’s cute! my conversation with husband was also pretty light … no talk about length of time, no big declarations. we both have parents who tend to overindulge so we’re both aware of slippery slopes. he’s not online reading over my shoulder. he’s just sort of leaving me to do my ‘thing’. he says i don’t seem any different (that my moods are the same) … whereas i feel completely different. well, I’m not doing this ‘for him’, so it doesn’t really matter if he thinks i’m diff. or not. i think he thinks when this is over, we might move on to some kind of modified consumption, like only on weekends… i’m not saying anything unless asked a direct question! and all i really know is that i committed to Dry July and that’s the minimum of what i’m doing.

  4. You are very fortunate to have support within your marriage. My sobriety wasn’t the best thing to happen to my marriage and after 10 years together we chose to go our separate ways. I laughed out loud at the part about brainwashing. My husband used to make that comment about AA. Or he’d call it a cult. I hope you continue to stay sober. Its totally worth it.

  5. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and my husband and I will likely go out or dinner. The thought of a bottle of wine with dinner sounds so nice. But that would mean only 2 glasses. You said it perfectly; that would be a special kind of hell. To only be able to have a little bit of wine. I would sit miserably after it was gone, wanting more. And I would give in and have more. We would both have more and drive home when we should not drive. And I would wake up hungover and hating myself. Hmmmm…. Maybe wine with dinner does not sound so good after all. I just wish restaurants served yummy nonalcoholic drinks that felt like a treat…. Cranberry and club soda gets old quickly.
    Pam

  6. I am still feeling sad, disappointed and resentful on day 17 but I am not self medicating those feelings. Fuck you Wolfe !

  7. I’m on day 10 and we are going away to a friends home on a lake. They aren’t big drinkers but are accustomed to me having wine with them especially at dinner. I’m a little nervous . My husband doesn’t drink anymore due to medical reasons. I haven’t said anything yet and he hasn’t mentioned anything. Hhhmmm. I’ve been dropping hints like I’m going to live a healthier lifestyle, I’ve been too long at the Fair etc. I guess I’ll see in a few hours we are currently about an hour away in the car. I can do this, this doable. They are my friends. Seriously just winging this. I’m hoping Belle is right and that actually no one cares all that much except me

  8. I feel like we might be married to the same guy. I’ve worried lately because my husband has started having a nightly drink with me. He’s only ever had an occasional beer. I don’t want to wreck my guy!
    I told him AND the children…via text, (i was too embarrassed to do it face to face) that I was accepting the 100 day challenge.
    When I got home, he opened the pantry and said, “shall I pour all this out? What about this expensive stuff?”
    I easily answered, “Yes, please. All of it.”
    I’m on sober day 3

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