daisies and sunshine rocketing out of my ass

About a week ago i started this blog (a week! OMG it seems like such a long time ago). I’m now on Day 16 of Dry July and i know for a fact that I would not be here if i hadn’t started this blog.

This is the first time i’ve made it to 16 days, ever, in my life, and it’s the first time i’ve actively reached out for help and accountability. Coincidence? I think not.

I tend to think a lot (no shit!) and left on my own, i think myself into “logic loops” that get me drinking again.  My most recent one, from May, went like this:

I think i’ll give up wine for a month. I’ve done it for a week at a time before, so I’m sure that a month won’t be hard at all. Ack day 3 sucks. Groan day 7 is rotten. Day 9 i’ve had enough of this shit, and if i’m only giving up for a month, that means i’m going to drink eventually.  and if i’m going to drink eventually then i might as well drink today. Experiment ended at day 9.

This time round, i realized the noise in my head was escalating right around day 7. I’d been reading a sober blog, and decided i’d get brave and start my own.  Now it hasn’t all been daisies and sunshine rocketing out of my ass, BUT for a week I have been collecting ideas, and i’ve been discovering NEW thoughts that I can feed into my logic loop instead of my old recycled ideas.

Instead of mulling over: “eventually i’m going to drink”  … now i’ve replaced that kind of thinking with “i like this stillness and quiet-headed-ness, and i’m so glad I have time to take care of the REST of my life.”

I’ve started an amazing blogroll of like-minded folks (who knew you were all out there?). And i’ve been very surprised and super happy to find such compassion, lack of judgement and in particular a lack of “see what i did, do that, if you don’t do what i did you suck” kind of preachy-ness that i thought would exist here.

who am i kidding, i figured everything sober was going to be preachy “do as I say” shit, and since i knew that wouldn’t work for me, i had never explored any other kind of community. so to find such kindness and non-platitude (non-platypus) support, has been worth the price of admission. and then some.

I thus happily begin Day 16 knowing that I will not drink today 🙂

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

12 thoughts on “daisies and sunshine rocketing out of my ass

  1. “i like this stillness and quiet-headed-ness, and i’m so glad I have time to take care of the REST of my life.”
    Belle – I so relate to that. I am starting to feel that a lot of other shit in my life – depression, mother issues, self esteem etc etc I have never confronted and sorted out – because I would just escape with the wine. Thank you for “getting brave enough to start your blog”.
    You go girl!
    Cleo xx

    1. i agree completely, Cleo. i think i’ve been using alcohol to hide from: boredom, loneliness, and some shitty childhood bits. and why confront boredom when a bottle of wine can fill an evening (and it’s so cheap! what a cheap *event*!). except it’s not an event. it’s a hole i dive into. thanks for your encouragement.

  2. This post has the best title I’ve ever seen. Ever.

    I’m so grateful you started blogging – I’m in it to learn from people, not to say this is how to do it (especially right now coz i failed big time). I think one of the reasons I fucked up is because I stopped blogging. I was doing so well then shut down the blog, i think i knew deep down i was going to drink and decided to isolate myself from the amazing connections i’d made. I’ve learned from that though, so that’s the positive to come out of it.

    It’s a bloody privilege to watch you unfold as you get more insight into your drinking behaviour. Loving every minute of your evolution, congratulations on day 16 x

    1. you are so kind, imogen, thanks for being here. i can totally relate to isolating behaviour. i’ve found even in the last week that anytime i thought i might eventually drink (i mean any time i even started to entertain the thought), i’d post something here or read a comment or reply to someone else’s blog. tiny baby steps and man i can say it’s MUCH easier than trying to white-knuckle it alone…

  3. Oh yeah we’re here baby .. doing it raw man like the sassy sober sisters that we are (hardy har har). But seriously, strap in and hold on tight .. you’re in for a wild wonderful ride and all you have to do is stay off the booze to take it with us. And we’ll be here every step of the way xxx

    1. thanks mrs d, it’s seriously great to know there are people just a bit further along than i am who can point out the road bumps IN ADVANCE… it’s like following some smart chicks who have a flashlight…

  4. I am a gal who has tried quitting countless times over the course of a decade. The noise in our head is always, always what gets in the way. Celebrate each 24 hours that you have clean. And, it gets better 🙂

  5. You are totally rocking this, blog and sobriety both!!! Just keep focusing on all the positive things and you’ll be rockin’ in your rockin’ chair, still sober! (ok, that was a bit silly *L*)

    Non-platypus…*giggle*

  6. Let Day 16 roll on out the door as sobriety and you begin to know one another more intimately. I too expected a bunch of assholes telling me I was a bum, etc. and by golly it hasn’t been that way at all,. I have gotten so much support and help–you, too.

    I know you can make it-all dang Day 16 and then on into Month 16 and someday even Year 16 will roll across your radar and you will be silently sober and glad for your life.

    So proud of you and your decision-making. Stick with it, I’ll keep reading and encouraging you as was done for me. It’s a big old circle, like Harry Chapin said.

    1. thanks Lynda. i haven’t let myself think ahead to 16 months or 16 years. it’s kind of a cool image, though. i want someday to be where I am with smoking. i know the date when i quit for good (november 11, 2001), and i never think about it any more…

Leave a Reply