*it blunts, numbs, fills time…*

i called this blog “tired of thinking about drinking” because there’s a lot of noise in my head about booze. when to have it, how much, how close together, did he get more, will there be enough.

but i’ve never come across text that explains this ‘noise’ better than my new friend Cleo:

She writes:

“Moderation does not work for me. Been there so many, many times. My brain is addicted to wine and the addicted brain needs absolute clarity. *Maybe just one* starts up too much discussion between all my selves.  *None* is easier for all of us to understand.”

I’m going to print this out and tape it to the edge of my computer monitor so that i can stare at it. My selves. yes, the noise in my head is my rational self talking to my addicted self. and yes, firm boundaries and absolute clarity means no bargaining.

this new note will go up next to the one that’s already attached to my monitor.

I wrote this (to myself) in the fall (perhaps mid-october-ish), i wrote this after consuming my 3 drinks:

“It gets between me and my life, between me and you, between me and serving, between me and fun.  it affects my weight, my sleep, my enthusiasm.  it blunts, numbs, fills time, expands into the space allowed.  adds nothing, feels bad, sad, argumentative, irritated.  this isn’t the real me.  And escape? There’s nothing to escape from, it isn’t bad here, there’s joy and beauty and ease here. don’t need to ‘go’ anywhere else.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

11 thoughts on “*it blunts, numbs, fills time…*

  1. Wow. I’m going to print out both quotes and do the same. I battled for weeks with my addicted voice and the biatch eventually won. I never thought about it in terms of it being non-negotiable.
    You are going to help so many people. You have helped me so much already, I am so lucky to have found you. Thank you.

  2. Oh Belle, I think I will try and memorise your quote too. How wonderfully you put it. I do wonder what we were trying to escape from? We must think about that in time, I suspect it will open doors to some new self insight.
    At the moment I am so aware of the “joy and beauty and ease here” as you put it – and so grateful for it. Cleo xx

  3. Oh my god we obsess! We obsess! The effort and energy I put into thinking about and dealing with my inner addict’s bloody voice blah blah blah-ing on at me. the only way I could silence that voice and reclaim all the time I wasted thinking about wine wine wine was to remove the wine completely. I tried to quieten the voice by moderating, silence it for periods of time by giving up for a few weeks or months here and there but none of that ever worked. Only removing the booze completely finally freed me from that brain noise whittling on and on and on. Oh my god the obsession, thank god that’s gone. xxx

    1. Mrs D, truer words have never been spoken. in fact, i thought about your comment continuously during my run this morning. i’ve tried to silence the noise, too, in different ways. i’d like it to be gone, too… and i’m glad to know that your experience is that it DOES shut-the-fuck-up eventually…

  4. Completely agree; that little voice talks more than anyone else I’ve ever known! 😉

    She’s been relatively quiet, just popping up this weekend. Can’t wait for her to be silenced for good.

  5. Love “none is easier for all of us to understand.” The peace I’ve found lately has come from simplifying life, which quiets those voices, for a little while anyway. Thank you for sharing this wisdom…I needed to hear it.

  6. I really like the reference to your addict. I find it useful to distinguish between the real, core me, the one I want to be, and that other person, who is self centered and self destructive.

    I’ve always found the voice of my addict gets more persuasive as the drinks stack up. “Paul, you can sneak another one in, go on, just finish the bottle, there’s no point leaving any until tomorrow.”

    1. Paul, you’re right, I never thought about it like that – the voice DOES get louder the more I drink. One glass is never enough. I think i’ve realized only since starting this blog that it’s the first drink that causes the problem, not the 4th one… (and i think it was Cleo who pointed that out for me the first time.)

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