today is day 10 and i’ve never been here before …

i named this blog after a really great Tragically Hip song.

I may not meet the textbook definition of an alcoholic, and I may never have had a ‘bottom’. but the problem for me (at least) is that i spend so much time thinking about drinking. how much wine can I have, when can i start, have i had enough, how will i sleep tonight, OK maybe just one more …

And i think that life without alcohol means that the noise in my head is just quieter all-round.

Less noise in my head means I sleep better and I get more done. Is it about self-control? sure it is. and clearly i’m lacking the self-control that would allow me to have a glass of wine, now and then, and just stop at one.

[Frankly the thought of having just one makes me irritated. What’s the point in just one? it’ll make me tired and foggy and then I’ll sober up much too quickly and i’ll still have this residual headachy, thick headed feeling. Yeah, that’s why it’s better to have three glasses instead of one.]

So i think that not-drinking entirely is an interesting and positive trade off.

I give up drinking wine, and what I get back in return is theoretically better than the wine ever provided.

Yes, OK, I give up wine’s company, the comfort, the numbness, and the glorious way that it fills up an evening and brings sunshine to meals and patios and vacations.

in return, I get back energy, sound sleep, peaceful relationships, increased productivity. I consume fewer calories, spend less money, and i gain self-respect.

gee, when i write it out like that, it seems like a no-brainer doesn’t it?

am i giving up wine FOREVER? (or just for my original intention of 30 days)?  well if giving it up forever guarantees that i get sleep+energy+self-respect, then yes, maybe this is forever. I’ll decide when i get there.

for now, all i know is I didn’t drink last night, and i’m not drinking today. it seems easy right now and i’m going to ride this wave (because three days ago i was so irritated i was ready to drink no matter what and i know those times are a-coming again).

i’m going to focus on what i’m GETTING rather than what i’m giving up.  and today is day #10.  I’ve never been here before 🙂

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

16 thoughts to “today is day 10 and i’ve never been here before …”

  1. um…wow. i’ve never read anything that made so much sense to me. i am right there with you about the whole “why drink one?” when drinking one makes you feel like poop. i stopped hanging out with friends so i could away from drinking and it’s not really working out because now i’m lonely lol. i think it’s awesome that you are doing and writing about your experience and you have my support!

  2. “um…wow. i’ve never read anything that made so much sense to me.”
    well isn’t that just the kindest thing to write … what i write makes sense to me, but i never really think that it’ll make much sense to anyone else … thanks for reaching out!

  3. “What’s the point in just one?” My sentiments exactly and it’s something I’ve never been able to do, even with the best intentions. This post is so beautifully written and I can relate to pretty much all of it.
    You’re doing so well. I’ve got to buy that Allen Carr book if it will help me get your kind of resolve. Congratulations on day 10! : )

  4. Oh well done. well done. Are you sure its not me you are writing about? Sounds so much like it! Please beg, borrow or steal Jason Vale’s book – “Kick the drink – easily” which gives turns all the reasons we think alcohol is so great on their head and gives all the positives about not drinking. Great book – it helps me so much. Craig Beck also great “Alcohol lied to me”. Similar – but the kindle version is very badly edited which is a pain.

    1. cleo, thanks for dropping by! i’m sure it IS you that i’m writing about, cuz i wonder if on some level we’re all pretty much the same. some kind of screwed up childhood + some kind of attention seeking behavior (look at me, look at me) + dash of self-comforting (gee, isn’t wine the best comfort EVER). and now, for whatever reason, we’ve had enough. doesn’t even matter why. we just know that we want something BETTER …

  5. I too can relate so well. I always thought it was the 4th or 5th glass of wine that did the damage. I would set out drinking with the intention of avoiding that. However what a breakthrough to know its the FIRST glass that is the problem!

  6. oh yeah, i *totally* get it; coulda written this myself, if i had your eloquence.
    keep on keepin’ on. you are onto something. i oughta know– i’m on Day 12 today, hahahaha! 😉 we can do this.

  7. I agree, the entire post resonates so totally and completely with my thoughts, too! And the word “forever”…I try not to think about that word because then that little voice in my head starts piping up and freaking out over the fact that I might.

  8. I like that song. This is beautiful: “in return, I get back energy, sound sleep, peaceful relationships, increased productivity. I consumer fewer calories, spend less money, and i gain self-respect. gee, when i write it out like that, it seems like a no-brainer doesn’t it?”

    Something a sober friend said stuck with me when I wondered out loud if I was an alcoholic or not. She said, “If you think about drinking a lot and wonder if you have a problem, you have a problem.”

  9. I can pretty much agree word by word this entry.
    I’ve always thought that “what one beer, why? doesn’t make sense to me”
    I know it is a bit late for this comment but I’m reading your Month1 pdf and it is literally speaking to me and it’s a really good feeling that other people went through the same shit like me, and still going through it.
    I’m looking forward to see the 10th day and get my sleep back. 🙂

  10. Belle, this hits so close to home. One drink is about the most annoying thing that I can think of. It needs to be at least 4, and at that point, the only way that I’m happy is if I’m sitting alone with my 5th, wasting away. It’s great to know that there’s more of me out there. I’m on day 8 right now and I certainly plan on getting to day 10, and beyond. Thanks for this.

  11. I’m on day 30 and just found your blog last night. What a relief!!! One glass of wine has always been totally worthless to me – I’ve always felt like saying “no” is a hell of a lot easier than saying “no more”, which should have been my first clue that I had a problem. Thank you for making your journey public. I wonder if you had any idea when you wrote this 5 years ago how much it would help someone like me now?

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