Tired of Thinking About Drinking

I begin here

It’s July 8th, and this is the beginning of my 8th day sober. I’ve gone 9 days before, just over a month ago. But never longer.

I’m starting this blog today because I suddenly realized last night that I was not going to make it.

I wanted wine last night so bad that I decided to buy some, then changed my mind, then changed it back again. About 6 times in one hour. I was furious that i couldn’t drink. Irritated, picking at my husband, frustrated. Generally itchy in my own skin.

I hid in the tub (at 7:30 pm), waiting for the mood to leave me. It didn’t.

Then I put on my PJs, and sat in front of the laptop, and read the page that was sitting open (http://unpickled.wordpress.com). A blog written by someone anonymous, going through her own journey without alcohol.

And it inspired me. Her words were enough.

I got off my ass and made myself a special drink of black currant syrup, perrier and sour lemonade. Then I had another. Then I gently suggested to my husband that he could make these drinks for me, more often … like every day starting at about 6 pm right up until 9:30 pm.

Oh i have so much to talk about here. Triggers, why to give up alcohol in the first place, family shit. But I realize that me in my head alone is not going to get this done. I need to write it out. and I kneed to know that someone might read it. Doesn’t matter who, just someone. Someone out there. Might read this and might wonder if i stayed sober for another day…

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21 thoughts on “I begin here

  1. Dear Cleo, how sweet you are, my first comment on this new blog. You’re right, though, about self-loathing. I’ll add that to my list of things to write about! Congrats to you on 7 weeks, i can’t imagine myself (yet) where you are. It’s funny, i can see myself doing a series of days (as some kind of exercise) and then i can’t see anything after that.

    if you don’t mind sharing, what was it about this week that was harder for you? tough enough that you started looking online for ideas? if you can help me understand your triggers, then it’ll help me figure out my own … if you know what i mean. thanks for being here : )

    • Hi
      You have just motivated me to write about the week on my blog. Hope it helps a bit.
      Another great blog is “Mrs D is going Without” – you can find the reference on my site. She has really helped me enormously.
      Stay strong
      Cxx

  2. Dear Tired
    Well done on your decision to quit and your decision to stick with it last night. I have gone without for nearly 7 weeks now and this last week has been very tough for me too. But I am sure its worth it, One of the reasons I gave up was the self loathing I had for myself as I woke up to face another hangover. The biggest positive so far, apart from the lack of hangovers, is the fact that i like myself more. I have also started a blog, but have not been too energetic yet. I go through phases where I dont want to blog as its feels like I am focussing too much on my issue of not drinking. Other times it helps and I am most grateful for others like yourself who do blog and inspire all of us. Good luck I shall be following your journey. Cleo

  3. I’ve just begun my own journey, so I’ll be reading along with what you are writing. 🙂

  4. So excited to have found you, thanks for commenting at BHM so I could. I am here and reading and supporting you the whole way. Unpickled was one of the first blogs I found too, I wish she was still writing.

  5. I just started my first serious journey too. It’s been a long time coming. It’s been 4 days (so cliche). This blog was recommended to me on a SMART recovery message board. I’m looking forward to reading along.

    • Hi Leigh, glad you’re here : ) Four days already … you’re already underway! I’d be happy to hear how you do as you go along. If you’d like to be pen pals, just send me a message now and then (or daily!) to report on how you’re doing and what you’re thinking. my email is tiredofdrinking@gmail.com …. All best, Belle

      • I didn’t see this before now. I thought I’d get an email or something. Anyway, thank you for replying and thank you for the offer to be a pen pal. I really appreciate that & I promise not to send you any chain letters or porn. I’m spitfire1267@gmail.com

  6. Pingback: this time | Tired of Thinking About Drinking

  7. June McMahon on said:

    I like what I’ve read so far..

  8. Christine on said:

    Hi Belle, I’m on my 8th day today. I’m Christine 43 years old… I have a 5 year old and a husband. I think I only have him still because he doesn’t pay that much attention to what I do… or he ignores it. I don’t know. But I am finally ready (at least part of me is) to be free of this merry go round drinking causes in my life. I have no idea how I will do this. In the past I could NEVER see giving it up. NEVER. Slowing down… only drinking on the weekend ect. But it always leads to the same place. Its NOT good. I completely see now that I’m not in control of it. Not at all. The big news is I made it thru this weekend. Something that I’ve been trying to do over the last few months but have failed when the “lies” come into my mind… I can handle it… no problem. That’s been the hardest part for me – the lies I tell myself. Forgetting all the pain I cause myself by drinking. So this is the longest I’ve made it this year… 2 years ago I g it up for Lent and went 6 weeks with only one slip up. And 5 years ago I went 9 months when I was pregnat with only one tiny glass of sherry to celebrate my wedding anniversary. But I can’t take all the humiliating mistakes I make when I’m drunk, the distance it puts between me and my daughter and all the time it steels from me as I recover from the night before. Hate it. I feel strong today but as the week wears on and the weekend approaches (with a business gathering my husband has at a winery that I have to attend) it will be harder.

  9. Gord Donaldson on said:

    Biggest problem for me is staying stopped. I can detox myself and go through all the shame then collapse. Losing jobs. Money And emotional respect. Its causing everyone pain around me. This time I’ve gotta do it. Its been 1 day. Easiest time for me because I’m too sick to swallow alcohol and shameful and guilty. Day 7 will be different I’m sure. But I can do it and if I have to read every night to keep myself educated in the problems it caused I will

  10. Michele on said:

    Day 1 successfully completed. April, 1, 2014. I just keep reading posts and drinking absurd amounts of lemon water. I want to do this. I hope I can do this.

  11. michelle69 on said:

    Day 9 for me. Thank you to everyone who started a blog – it is so nice to have trailblazers.

  12. Day 5 for me and man, I want a drink on my way home. But this blog is giving me lots of strength knowing I’m not the only one who is facing these challenges.

  13. I just read your first 30 days of sobriety and all I can say is…when is the book coming out? You are a terrific writer and the information you share is right on the pulse of the people. Women and wine is a hidden epidemic affecting I’m sure many, many, many otherwise normal women. I’m sitting here in stunned silence reviewing all the brutal truths you have expressed in your blog. I thank you.

  14. Robyn on said:

    Thank you for sending through me month one, it’s really helped me to keep going in my first week X

  15. Today is my 2nd Day Eight. The first one was back in Sept of 2007. I made it to over 2.5 years back then, before I sloooowly started drinking again, until I got back to the point where I was drinking every night.

    Tonight I am going to my usual Friday night thing, which is playing board games and watching movies with a group of people at a friend’s house. I usually drink 8-12 beers. Tonight I will be having fizzy water. I know that we’re supposed to avoid situations like this, but I’ve told my boyfriend I’m not drinking tonight (though I told him it’s because I have two major exams next week, not that I’m thinking about going sober — which he’d love. He’s been sober for 25 years). And my friends knew me back when I quit for 2.5 years. They’re not the type to try and force booze on me.

    So my goal is to be back tomorrow, writing a tiny comment on the Day 9 blog post confirming that I made it through Friday night A-OK. Just wanted to put that out in the universe so I have some extra ammunition to use against Wolfie. 😉

  16. Anonymous on said:

    I’m on my 8th day and it seems the hardest day so far can anyone tell me why this might be 😔

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